So many things I want to put up, so little energy! Course has me wiped out buuuutttt here's some stuffs anyways.
Two of my favourite products!
I picked these both up on sale for around $3-$4 each, I'm not sure what I'm going to do once I run out because they seem to normally cost about twice that o_o
SO
Dove Nourishing Oil Serum
This stuff is aaaamaaaazing. I bleach the underside of my hair to colour it with "crazy colours", and due to my many allergies blah blah blah even my older natural hair is having a little bit of a hard time staying awesome.
The bottle is a little weird for me. If you have slippery hands and you pick it up, it can be a bit difficult to stop it going off on adventures.
The back says something like three full pumps (I think, it's been a while since I looked).. I prefer to use what I think are probably half pumps, that way you don't overdo it.
When I first started using it I needed quite a bit. I figured that I didn't exactly treat my hair like a princess so it probably needed the love.
It made my hair silky and shiny and wasn't greasy, oily, or sticky -which is a problem a lot of hair treatments at the moment have, especially if they have oils in them.
Over time my hair has become better -I can't say if it's the 2L water a day I drink now, or the serum, but I do think that the serum does have something to do with it.
I only need about half the amount I used to use now, and it does help keep my frizz under control.
The first couple of weeks I used it, the smell was a little bit strong, but now I barely even notice it!
I put it through my hair straight after I get out of the shower, and a bonus is it doesn't make the pillow all gross. It goes on your hair and stays there.
Elvive Arginine Resist Conditioner
I try to keep as sulfate free as possible to be kind to my hair and scalp, so I have not tried the shampoo of this range (it would be great if Loreal went sulfate free in all of their products!)
I picked out this product for the same reason as I picked the Dove serum, I needed some hair care blah blah.
I did have a bit of hair breakage (and before you roll your eyes and go "well DUH you bleach your hair!" I actually have had more of a problem with natural breakage than bleached breakage!), I am a bit harsh to my hair, I have it tied up most of the time and I don't take the time to do proper deep conditioning or anything.
The ad claimed a lot so I thought I'd give it a go.
I was pretty impressed -though I wasn't expecting much.
I can't say it lived up to the advertisement's claims, but it has reduced my breakage and fall by a fair bit and it does seem to be a bit tougher and able to handle more.
I use it in conjunction with my sukin moisture restore and schwarzkopf colour protect (and occasionally a couple of other things).
Sooo there you go! Two pretty good products I think!
Keep in mind that what works for me won't work for everyone, but hopefully these two products will help some people have nicer hair
~^_^~
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Welcome to Daffodil Blue!
So I decided to recycle my blog.
The Road to Ranting served me well, but it's time to move on!
I needed a specific outlet for the things going on in my life, but I am mentally in a better place now, so I thought it was time to revamp!
I have kept some of the previous posts because they are either reviews or posts I think it's important to keep here.
From now on this blog will host product reviews and craft endeavours =)
I hope you guys look forward to some great (and not so great) product reviews, and the goodies I have made, and will be making in the future.
Don't be too shy to ask questions!
Also yay for warmer weather!
~^_^~
The Road to Ranting served me well, but it's time to move on!
I needed a specific outlet for the things going on in my life, but I am mentally in a better place now, so I thought it was time to revamp!
I have kept some of the previous posts because they are either reviews or posts I think it's important to keep here.
From now on this blog will host product reviews and craft endeavours =)
I hope you guys look forward to some great (and not so great) product reviews, and the goodies I have made, and will be making in the future.
Don't be too shy to ask questions!
Also yay for warmer weather!
~^_^~
Saturday, 8 June 2013
Sulfate Free Product Reviews: Eco Store, Yes To, Primal Earth, + Make Your Own Sulfate Free Body Wash!
Sulfate free products are slightly more available now than they were a couple of months ago -I'd like to think we're finally getting through to companies!
I am very picky, and my skin is too, so I can't and won't just settle for any old sulfate free product.
We all have our preferences for what we want our hair and skin to be like, and what we want our products to smell like.
I've bought a few things recently so I thought I'd share my thoughts on them with you all =)
Eco Store Anti Dandruff Shampoo
I've had problems with my scalp for as long as I can remember, I was pretty ok for a few years and then after the water supply was changed it had a big tantrum and I've been struggling to get it under control ever since.
The prescription stuff (ketaconizole?) stopped working, and there was no way I was going to put that coco tar stuff in my hair. No way.
Eco Store finally had a semi decent selection in the supermarket, so I got their anti dandruff shampoo.
Please note, this product has Sodium Coco Sulphate. If you have severe issues with sulphates, I would probably give this one a miss. I did some research and the general consensus seems to be that it is basically the same as SLS -however, saying it's the same thing is massively over-simplifying it.
SCS is, simply put, a very very diluted version of SLS. It has far more of the coconut's fatty acids still, and while some people still call it a "harsh" chemical, I would disagree. That's like having a glass of pure lemon juice, and a glass of lemon juice mixed in with a couple of litres of water and saying they have the same degree of sourness. It's not rocket science that something diluted will be less "harsh". But anyway.
I love this product. First of all, it smells like cola lollies. So yum!
Even though it does have SCS in it, I do not experience a reaction like I did with SLS products. This product does not strip the semi permanent colour from my hair like SLS products and normal anti dandruff products!
It left my hair feeling awesome and my scalp feeling great. And it did it's job well. I am very happy to have found something that works so well for my scalp!
Yes To Carrots Scalp Relief Conditioner
Unfortunately Yes To don't have sulphate free shampoos (as far as I'm aware). I thought I would try this conditioner in conjunction with the Eco Store shampoo (which I had already been using beforehand).
I am left hoping that their other conditioners I want to try won't leave me as disappointed as I was with this one.
It's ok. It's nothing special. I definitely don't think that the carrots one, at least, is worth the rather high price.
It's a bit of a mixed bag I guess.
The only good thing about it seems to be that it helps keep my hair soft for longer.
The bad things are numerous though. One of which is at the time, and for about a day after, it makes my hair feel a bit.. dry and "ratty". It would be nice if it was soft from day one. From when I washed it out. But nope.
It's a bit of a pain to get the product out of the bottle. It comes out in a rather annoying tiny stream.
The smell is not great. It has a really strong tea tree smell. It just reminds me of when I was a kid and had nits. I don't really like the smell in the first place anyways.
It irritates my scalp -I get the same irritation with it as I do when I use an anti dandruff SLS/ALS shampoo.
Lastly it is REALLY hard to wash out. Definitely not something to go with if you're trying to save water.
Primal Earth Calming Face Wash
Now, I noticed earlier while I was in the shower that the tube says "his" on it, and I did find it under the men's razors area in the supermarket with the face balms and shaving creams and whathaveyou, but I don't recall seeing a women's one (also why can't I find Primal Earth Renew anymore?!). It doesn't really make a difference to me anyway!
It says it has aloe vera, green tea, and plant glucosides. It also states it contains coenzyme Q10 and harakeke flax.
I liked the speel on the back, I can't be bothered going to get it, but it says something like basically this product is awesome now hurry up and get it. I like my product speel with a bit of humorous attitude ^_-
I really really really love this product!
It smells sort of like a clearasil? product I used back in highschool, so pretty generic, nothing good or bad about it really.
You only need a little bit to cover your whole face, and I honestly didn't expect it to do much since it isn't exfoliating.. I was pleasantly suprised!
I get NO negative reactions with this wash at all! Which is amazing on it's own.. I had a really bad breakout just before I bought this product, and with two washes it is SO much better! Not completely gone but I'd say about three times better than it was! One particular problem area was dried up completely and flaked off the next day -completely fine!
The areas I usually worry about blackheads are looking a LOT better now, and this product leaves my skin amazingly soft. There is absolutely no need for me to apply a moisturiser afterwards.
It's about the same size and price as anything else, and I would highly recommend this product to anyone!
Now... How to make your own sulphate free body wash!
Supposedly you can use any bar soap to do this, but you may need to add more water than you use in this recipe.
This is using Dove bar soap.
I made one batch with the exfoliating bar, and one batch with the shea butter bar.
I used one and a half bars of each, you can adjust the recipe to suit you.
For every one and a half bars used, add 3 cups of water (or 2 cups of water per bar).
You will need to grate the soap into a pot, add in one cup of water and heat on medium.
Stir every now and then until as much soap as possible is melted, and mixed in, and add the rest of the water.
(If you are using more soap, add more water in the first lot, so if you are using three bars of soap, add two cups of water, then the rest etc etc)
Once you have as much soap as possible melted and mixed with the water, pour the mixture into a glass container or bottle to cool.
Once it is cooled enough, transfer it to a container of your choice. I have also heard that at this stage you can mix in your own skin safe fragrance if you wish.
I do not recommend leaving it in bottles as shown in the picture, you will be better off putting it in something like tupperware, or a bottle that you can squeeze the product out of -for example, a shampoo bottle, or other body wash bottle.
The end product is a really nice and luxurious body wash! It is awesome! Don't expect it to be like normal body wash, what I ended up with was a fantastic mousse like product -very nice!
If you want something a bit more exfoliating I would suggest purchasing some small exfoliating beads or using something like crushed apricot seeds, or maybe even salt, and mixing it in after it has completely cooled.
So that's my review of my latest purchases, and home made Dove body wash! The body wash could even make a nice present for someone! If you make it I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
~^_^~
I am very picky, and my skin is too, so I can't and won't just settle for any old sulfate free product.
We all have our preferences for what we want our hair and skin to be like, and what we want our products to smell like.
I've bought a few things recently so I thought I'd share my thoughts on them with you all =)
Eco Store Anti Dandruff Shampoo
I've had problems with my scalp for as long as I can remember, I was pretty ok for a few years and then after the water supply was changed it had a big tantrum and I've been struggling to get it under control ever since.
The prescription stuff (ketaconizole?) stopped working, and there was no way I was going to put that coco tar stuff in my hair. No way.
Eco Store finally had a semi decent selection in the supermarket, so I got their anti dandruff shampoo.
Please note, this product has Sodium Coco Sulphate. If you have severe issues with sulphates, I would probably give this one a miss. I did some research and the general consensus seems to be that it is basically the same as SLS -however, saying it's the same thing is massively over-simplifying it.
SCS is, simply put, a very very diluted version of SLS. It has far more of the coconut's fatty acids still, and while some people still call it a "harsh" chemical, I would disagree. That's like having a glass of pure lemon juice, and a glass of lemon juice mixed in with a couple of litres of water and saying they have the same degree of sourness. It's not rocket science that something diluted will be less "harsh". But anyway.
I love this product. First of all, it smells like cola lollies. So yum!
Even though it does have SCS in it, I do not experience a reaction like I did with SLS products. This product does not strip the semi permanent colour from my hair like SLS products and normal anti dandruff products!
It left my hair feeling awesome and my scalp feeling great. And it did it's job well. I am very happy to have found something that works so well for my scalp!
Yes To Carrots Scalp Relief Conditioner
Unfortunately Yes To don't have sulphate free shampoos (as far as I'm aware). I thought I would try this conditioner in conjunction with the Eco Store shampoo (which I had already been using beforehand).
I am left hoping that their other conditioners I want to try won't leave me as disappointed as I was with this one.
It's ok. It's nothing special. I definitely don't think that the carrots one, at least, is worth the rather high price.
It's a bit of a mixed bag I guess.
The only good thing about it seems to be that it helps keep my hair soft for longer.
The bad things are numerous though. One of which is at the time, and for about a day after, it makes my hair feel a bit.. dry and "ratty". It would be nice if it was soft from day one. From when I washed it out. But nope.
It's a bit of a pain to get the product out of the bottle. It comes out in a rather annoying tiny stream.
The smell is not great. It has a really strong tea tree smell. It just reminds me of when I was a kid and had nits. I don't really like the smell in the first place anyways.
It irritates my scalp -I get the same irritation with it as I do when I use an anti dandruff SLS/ALS shampoo.
Lastly it is REALLY hard to wash out. Definitely not something to go with if you're trying to save water.
Primal Earth Calming Face Wash
Now, I noticed earlier while I was in the shower that the tube says "his" on it, and I did find it under the men's razors area in the supermarket with the face balms and shaving creams and whathaveyou, but I don't recall seeing a women's one (also why can't I find Primal Earth Renew anymore?!). It doesn't really make a difference to me anyway!
It says it has aloe vera, green tea, and plant glucosides. It also states it contains coenzyme Q10 and harakeke flax.
I liked the speel on the back, I can't be bothered going to get it, but it says something like basically this product is awesome now hurry up and get it. I like my product speel with a bit of humorous attitude ^_-
I really really really love this product!
It smells sort of like a clearasil? product I used back in highschool, so pretty generic, nothing good or bad about it really.
You only need a little bit to cover your whole face, and I honestly didn't expect it to do much since it isn't exfoliating.. I was pleasantly suprised!
I get NO negative reactions with this wash at all! Which is amazing on it's own.. I had a really bad breakout just before I bought this product, and with two washes it is SO much better! Not completely gone but I'd say about three times better than it was! One particular problem area was dried up completely and flaked off the next day -completely fine!
The areas I usually worry about blackheads are looking a LOT better now, and this product leaves my skin amazingly soft. There is absolutely no need for me to apply a moisturiser afterwards.
It's about the same size and price as anything else, and I would highly recommend this product to anyone!
Now... How to make your own sulphate free body wash!
Supposedly you can use any bar soap to do this, but you may need to add more water than you use in this recipe.
This is using Dove bar soap.
I made one batch with the exfoliating bar, and one batch with the shea butter bar.
I used one and a half bars of each, you can adjust the recipe to suit you.
For every one and a half bars used, add 3 cups of water (or 2 cups of water per bar).
You will need to grate the soap into a pot, add in one cup of water and heat on medium.
Stir every now and then until as much soap as possible is melted, and mixed in, and add the rest of the water.
(If you are using more soap, add more water in the first lot, so if you are using three bars of soap, add two cups of water, then the rest etc etc)
Once you have as much soap as possible melted and mixed with the water, pour the mixture into a glass container or bottle to cool.
Once it is cooled enough, transfer it to a container of your choice. I have also heard that at this stage you can mix in your own skin safe fragrance if you wish.
I do not recommend leaving it in bottles as shown in the picture, you will be better off putting it in something like tupperware, or a bottle that you can squeeze the product out of -for example, a shampoo bottle, or other body wash bottle.
The end product is a really nice and luxurious body wash! It is awesome! Don't expect it to be like normal body wash, what I ended up with was a fantastic mousse like product -very nice!
If you want something a bit more exfoliating I would suggest purchasing some small exfoliating beads or using something like crushed apricot seeds, or maybe even salt, and mixing it in after it has completely cooled.
So that's my review of my latest purchases, and home made Dove body wash! The body wash could even make a nice present for someone! If you make it I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
~^_^~
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Product Review: Airborne Health Active Honey Lozenges
Down here on the islands we're on the doorstep of winter.. or something like that.
Coughs and colds and our mate the flu have started making the rounds and damn is it expensive to be sick!
I just about always have colds/cold symptoms and so I'm often trying to find something to make everything better.
So far the best thing I have found is dimetapp night and day capsules -but they're not cheap and you're only supposed to take them for three days.
Whenever I try to find something that I can stand that will work I always get told to use cough syrup.
I have a strong aversion to this. Due to having liquid medicine forced down my throat on a constant basis throughout the day as a child, I now retch at even the smell of cough syrup. Years ago I tried to consume some but just ended throwing it back up haha.
After having the flu for three weeks, and now partway through another cold (come on immune system!) I am getting pretty desperate to find something that'll get rid of the headaches, the coughing and sneezing and soothe my throat!
I have resorted to Codral day caps (left over from a particularly bad bout some time ago) and maxigesic (not at the same time of course) and a little red bull in my berry juice to perk me up a little.
I went into the pharmacy and looked for what I thought would be the least likely to smell and taste like regular cough syrup.
And then after listing my symptoms upon request I get told no I shouldn't get that one because I'm coughing up mucus and that one will suppress the cough, so then I won't get that gunk out of my lungs.
They recommended mucinex -but at something like $25 for twelve tablets I had to leave it. I can't afford that business lol!
Instead I picked up some lemon, honey, and ginger syrup from the supermarket and I am going to add some cinnamon to it (personal preference), and in the flu part of the medicine aisle I had a look to see if there was anything new I could try.
That's where I saw Airborne Health Active Honey Lozenges.
They have two flavours, one was Manuka and Lemon I think? And the one I got was Manuka and Honeydew.
They do taste nice though a little odd, so I think next time I would buy the lemon ones.
They have 16 lozenges and I paid around $7.50 for them. Not exactly cheap, but better than spending $4 on vicks vapour drops and not wanting to go near them after two or three!
They say they relieve and sooth dry, tickly throats actively supporting throat health.
They boast being 90% honey (the lemon version is 80% honey) with honeydew and vitamin C.
It has an icon saying 12+ active which I assume is to do with the quality of the honey used (I rarely retain information like that) and says on the back "Each lozenge contains selected Manuka honeys high in ACTIVE AAH and powerfully supports immune defences in fighting ills and chills."
Each lozenge is 2.8g and contains Airborne Health Active AAH Manuka Honey and Beech Forest Honeydew Honey, maltodextrin, tableting aids E551 and E570 and added vitamin C.
These are Gluten Free.
Within a couple of minutes I could feel a drastic change in the dryness and pain in my throat.
An hour later I feel a little bit of a scratch again, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was.
Another thing I like about these is the shape and size. I have another brand of manuka honey lozenges that I like, but they're in the shape of small cushions if you like, and are often awkward in my mouth (probably partly because of my piercing...) and I find a lot of things like strepsils or soothers too wide or too bulky to fit on top of my tongue so they often get banished to the side of my cheek! These comfortably sit on the top of my tongue with no problems.
So far I am really impressed with these!
If you are looking for something that works and that isn't yucky menthol or fuzzy numbing or gross antiseptic, I'd say give these a go, you might be pleasantly suprised.
~^_^~
Coughs and colds and our mate the flu have started making the rounds and damn is it expensive to be sick!
I just about always have colds/cold symptoms and so I'm often trying to find something to make everything better.
So far the best thing I have found is dimetapp night and day capsules -but they're not cheap and you're only supposed to take them for three days.
Whenever I try to find something that I can stand that will work I always get told to use cough syrup.
I have a strong aversion to this. Due to having liquid medicine forced down my throat on a constant basis throughout the day as a child, I now retch at even the smell of cough syrup. Years ago I tried to consume some but just ended throwing it back up haha.
After having the flu for three weeks, and now partway through another cold (come on immune system!) I am getting pretty desperate to find something that'll get rid of the headaches, the coughing and sneezing and soothe my throat!
I have resorted to Codral day caps (left over from a particularly bad bout some time ago) and maxigesic (not at the same time of course) and a little red bull in my berry juice to perk me up a little.
I went into the pharmacy and looked for what I thought would be the least likely to smell and taste like regular cough syrup.
And then after listing my symptoms upon request I get told no I shouldn't get that one because I'm coughing up mucus and that one will suppress the cough, so then I won't get that gunk out of my lungs.
They recommended mucinex -but at something like $25 for twelve tablets I had to leave it. I can't afford that business lol!
Instead I picked up some lemon, honey, and ginger syrup from the supermarket and I am going to add some cinnamon to it (personal preference), and in the flu part of the medicine aisle I had a look to see if there was anything new I could try.
That's where I saw Airborne Health Active Honey Lozenges.
They have two flavours, one was Manuka and Lemon I think? And the one I got was Manuka and Honeydew.
They do taste nice though a little odd, so I think next time I would buy the lemon ones.
They have 16 lozenges and I paid around $7.50 for them. Not exactly cheap, but better than spending $4 on vicks vapour drops and not wanting to go near them after two or three!
They say they relieve and sooth dry, tickly throats actively supporting throat health.
They boast being 90% honey (the lemon version is 80% honey) with honeydew and vitamin C.
It has an icon saying 12+ active which I assume is to do with the quality of the honey used (I rarely retain information like that) and says on the back "Each lozenge contains selected Manuka honeys high in ACTIVE AAH and powerfully supports immune defences in fighting ills and chills."
Each lozenge is 2.8g and contains Airborne Health Active AAH Manuka Honey and Beech Forest Honeydew Honey, maltodextrin, tableting aids E551 and E570 and added vitamin C.
These are Gluten Free.
Within a couple of minutes I could feel a drastic change in the dryness and pain in my throat.
An hour later I feel a little bit of a scratch again, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was.
Another thing I like about these is the shape and size. I have another brand of manuka honey lozenges that I like, but they're in the shape of small cushions if you like, and are often awkward in my mouth (probably partly because of my piercing...) and I find a lot of things like strepsils or soothers too wide or too bulky to fit on top of my tongue so they often get banished to the side of my cheek! These comfortably sit on the top of my tongue with no problems.
So far I am really impressed with these!
If you are looking for something that works and that isn't yucky menthol or fuzzy numbing or gross antiseptic, I'd say give these a go, you might be pleasantly suprised.
~^_^~
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Product Review : Clinicians REM Sleep
I've had sleeping issues for a looooooong time -even as a baby my parents had a LOT of trouble getting me to sleep, and for whatever reason, things started to get worse in the sleep area from highschool onwards.
I've had some odd things happen like waking up in my wardrobe, being aware that I was sitting up in bed and talking to myself -but not being able to do anything, and once my mother found me asleep with my eyes open and thought something had happened to me haha I remember being very annoyed -I was asleep after all!
I have ups and downs with my sleep. I have patches that may last for days, weeks, or months where I won't be able to sleep at all during "normal" sleep hours. I might not be able to sleep till 8am the next day. Till 1pm the next day, I might not sleep for two days. For three days. I might then get say five hours sleep, and then not sleep for another two days. And then I also have patches where I will barely be able to stay awake -or sometimes I won't be able to stay awake at all, constantly falling asleep no matter what I'm doing.
Either patch is very annoying and not exactly convenient or ideal!
In the past I have tried several different presciption sleeping pills -the most recent one was zopiclone. I have heard from a lot of people that it works well for them, but I hated it.
None of the pills worked out well for me. Most worked for a couple of weeks then stopped working. All of them worked a little.. too well? A couple worked far more than called for.
All of them left me feeling groggy and grumpy the next day, a couple made me feel horrible and out of it 24/7. I have patches of time I barely remember because I was just in and out of sleep all day. One second I'd be sorta there, the next I'd be completely gone again.
I tried that cherry melatonin drink, and it was ok, but it didn't work for very long, and it left me feeling groggy.
The best thing I have tried was Bach's Rescue Remedy Sleep. You put a few drops on your tongue before you go to bed -easy! It worked the longest, and the best, giving me slightly easier sleep, and not feeling any adverse effects in the morning.
Unfortunately though, that started to not work too.
With my sleeping habits getting worse, I was getting pretty desperate to find something to help me.
And yes, I have done sleep exercises. I've tried all that I've been told to. And none of them work for me. Breathing exercises. Physical exercises. Mental exercises. Meditation. Get up and have a warm shower. Get up and have a drink. Get up and do something until you're sleepy again.
I have a very active mind and it's all well and good for a doctor to say "just clear your mind" but obviously they don't understand that for some of us it just does not happen.
I am often tired, but not sleepy. This is something that I have a hard time explaining to people -that you can be tired, exhausted even, but not sleepy. And that's the thing you need. You get sleepy before you sleep. But what if you don't? It's very hard to get to sleep without first being sleepy.
So along came ads for Clinicians REM Sleep. I didn't think much of it at first, thinking that it was a prescription pill, and I didn't really want to go there again! Once I learnt that it was "herbal" I decided to take a closer look at it.
The reviews I found were positive, so I decided to go and see if I could afford some.
At $36.50 I couldn't! You get about a month's supply depending on how much you use, and while it works out to about $1.20 a day, which isn't too bad, I don't exactly have the money to afford that kind of outlay!
I found it for about $30 on our country's local version of something like ebay, and made the note to save up so I could get some.
Over the last few weeks I've been getting back into what I call "my insomnia cycle".
One day I had crawled into bed feeling very unwell at somewhere around 5pm, and shortly after my flatmate came home from work, came in, and handed me a bottle of Clinicians REM Sleep.
He had been so concerned that he had gone and bought it for me. I told him he was naughty and that the website had it for cheaper haha but I was very grateful.
I haven't been taking it for particularly long but so far clinicians REM sleep seems to be doing an ok job!
I've been feeling sleepy a lot this week but I'm not sure if it's because of the supplement or just because I'm sick (maybe both?)
I've definitely found it a lot easier to get to sleep!
I have been nodding off within twenty minutes of getting into bed instead of being awake for hours, and while I still wake up throughout the night, I fall back asleep within 10 minutes!
I wake up still feeling a little sleepy/tired but not groggy like what you get with prescription sleeping pills -it's not too bad.
So for now I will definitely be sticking with this product!
If you have a lot of trouble sleeping and have either not had much success with prescription pills, or want to try a more "natural" remedy, I do suggest trying this product out, as well as trying out Rescue Remedy Sleep (not together though!).
With everything, please talk to your doctor or pharmacist before you take something like this though, as there are certain medications that can interact negatively with them, or your doctor may want to try something else first.
You cannot take Clinicians REM Sleep if you are taking antidepressants.
I hope this helps some of you out there to get some decent sleep!
~^_^~
I've had some odd things happen like waking up in my wardrobe, being aware that I was sitting up in bed and talking to myself -but not being able to do anything, and once my mother found me asleep with my eyes open and thought something had happened to me haha I remember being very annoyed -I was asleep after all!
I have ups and downs with my sleep. I have patches that may last for days, weeks, or months where I won't be able to sleep at all during "normal" sleep hours. I might not be able to sleep till 8am the next day. Till 1pm the next day, I might not sleep for two days. For three days. I might then get say five hours sleep, and then not sleep for another two days. And then I also have patches where I will barely be able to stay awake -or sometimes I won't be able to stay awake at all, constantly falling asleep no matter what I'm doing.
Either patch is very annoying and not exactly convenient or ideal!
In the past I have tried several different presciption sleeping pills -the most recent one was zopiclone. I have heard from a lot of people that it works well for them, but I hated it.
None of the pills worked out well for me. Most worked for a couple of weeks then stopped working. All of them worked a little.. too well? A couple worked far more than called for.
All of them left me feeling groggy and grumpy the next day, a couple made me feel horrible and out of it 24/7. I have patches of time I barely remember because I was just in and out of sleep all day. One second I'd be sorta there, the next I'd be completely gone again.
I tried that cherry melatonin drink, and it was ok, but it didn't work for very long, and it left me feeling groggy.
The best thing I have tried was Bach's Rescue Remedy Sleep. You put a few drops on your tongue before you go to bed -easy! It worked the longest, and the best, giving me slightly easier sleep, and not feeling any adverse effects in the morning.
Unfortunately though, that started to not work too.
With my sleeping habits getting worse, I was getting pretty desperate to find something to help me.
And yes, I have done sleep exercises. I've tried all that I've been told to. And none of them work for me. Breathing exercises. Physical exercises. Mental exercises. Meditation. Get up and have a warm shower. Get up and have a drink. Get up and do something until you're sleepy again.
I have a very active mind and it's all well and good for a doctor to say "just clear your mind" but obviously they don't understand that for some of us it just does not happen.
I am often tired, but not sleepy. This is something that I have a hard time explaining to people -that you can be tired, exhausted even, but not sleepy. And that's the thing you need. You get sleepy before you sleep. But what if you don't? It's very hard to get to sleep without first being sleepy.
So along came ads for Clinicians REM Sleep. I didn't think much of it at first, thinking that it was a prescription pill, and I didn't really want to go there again! Once I learnt that it was "herbal" I decided to take a closer look at it.
The reviews I found were positive, so I decided to go and see if I could afford some.
At $36.50 I couldn't! You get about a month's supply depending on how much you use, and while it works out to about $1.20 a day, which isn't too bad, I don't exactly have the money to afford that kind of outlay!
I found it for about $30 on our country's local version of something like ebay, and made the note to save up so I could get some.
Over the last few weeks I've been getting back into what I call "my insomnia cycle".
One day I had crawled into bed feeling very unwell at somewhere around 5pm, and shortly after my flatmate came home from work, came in, and handed me a bottle of Clinicians REM Sleep.
He had been so concerned that he had gone and bought it for me. I told him he was naughty and that the website had it for cheaper haha but I was very grateful.
I haven't been taking it for particularly long but so far clinicians REM sleep seems to be doing an ok job!
I've been feeling sleepy a lot this week but I'm not sure if it's because of the supplement or just because I'm sick (maybe both?)
I've definitely found it a lot easier to get to sleep!
I have been nodding off within twenty minutes of getting into bed instead of being awake for hours, and while I still wake up throughout the night, I fall back asleep within 10 minutes!
I wake up still feeling a little sleepy/tired but not groggy like what you get with prescription sleeping pills -it's not too bad.
So for now I will definitely be sticking with this product!
If you have a lot of trouble sleeping and have either not had much success with prescription pills, or want to try a more "natural" remedy, I do suggest trying this product out, as well as trying out Rescue Remedy Sleep (not together though!).
With everything, please talk to your doctor or pharmacist before you take something like this though, as there are certain medications that can interact negatively with them, or your doctor may want to try something else first.
You cannot take Clinicians REM Sleep if you are taking antidepressants.
I hope this helps some of you out there to get some decent sleep!
~^_^~
Sunday, 10 March 2013
Why Do You Devalue Yourself?
If you're a human, chances are you've dealt with some self image and self worth issues in your life.
We all go through it, and most of us will hide it from the people around us. Most of us will try to be certain people for other people instead of being ourselves because we feel we are worth more to these people how they want us to be, than if we were ourselves.
Now, for a long time I had a lot of trouble understanding why people were like this. Why they undervalued themselves so much that they were willing to put away who they were and be what someone else wanted them to be.
This was probably the reason I didn't feel particularly pressured by my peers in school, and why I still don't.
In highschool I thought there were girls that didn't like me for a certain reason, but I didn't care, it was just how it was. I later on found out something like they did like me but I was a bit "weird" and quiet and they didn't know how to approach me. I was suprised whenever a peer praised me in school, I didn't understand why they cared about me, and it wasn't important that they did. I was confused by it.
Though, it's a little more complicated than just that because things like doing well in school.. well it was something I had to do. It was expected of me. It wasn't an accomplishment. It was just like bathing or eating. It was part of my life. Bad things would happen if I achieved, worse things would happen if I didn't. Getting high marks didn't earn me praise from my family. One memory that will probably be etched forever was when I got the highest mark you can get on two different tests in one day in one class. I asked my teacher if I could take them home to show my parents, I thought this time I had two so close together, and my work was so good, even the teacher was really impressed, this time they will be happy. This time they will tell me they are proud of me. That I did a good job. Instead I was yelled at. Asked if I could get them like that, why couldn't I get them more often? I was brought up to believe that achieving in life was my responsibility. So I did not understand why this girl was telling me what I wrote was really good and she loved it, and that I should be a writer.
But once I realised that what I was trying to do with my relatives was what most people try to do with the people around them, I started to understand a little bit more.... but not fully.
I've had to train myself to accept compliments, and I am still a little awkward with it.
Everybody can do it, but you've got to stop superficially accepting them, and start to truly accept them.
I think the only time I've truly felt pressured to "fit in" was when I was about 16 I think and going to the school formal with my then boyfriend. I had seen my friends go to school dances, I had never really been interested in them before. But I had seen all the pretty dresses. I did a friend's makeup ..and hair? for a formal earlier that year I think it was.. while I had done her up for free, she had got a nice dress that was near $300!
I had never had a really pretty dress. Since my great grandfather died I hadn't had anybody that had wanted to buy me a really pretty dress.
Obviously I couldn't afford that much, and I wasn't really comfortable spending a lot of money on an over the top dress that I would probably only wear once! I ended up getting a dress from Pagani that was $45 -down from almost $200! And I did look really pretty in it. I looked like a princess. And I loved it. I didn't care that there were all these "popular girls" in garments that barely came to their knees and looked thin enough to be nightwear, I didn't care that some girls looked at me with that snobbish glance as I walked past. Calling me "your highness" sarcastically. Damn right, I was royalty that night!
There are many times that I wish I could just be "normal" -by that I mean that I wish my body and mind would do what they're apparently supposed to instead of taking the rule book and tearing it up. I often think this out of sheer exhaustion from having to deal with everything all the time. Those close to me have come to realise I have an extraordinary amount of weird or unfortunate crap going on at any given time. I don't know what kind of person I would be though if I were "normal" and if my life had been somewhat "normal" or "low key". I wonder if I would be somebody I would like? I wonder if I would care? haha
People seem to be suprised when they hear what I think of myself. They seem to be suprised that I'm so positive about myself -usually because they know a lot of what's gone on in my life, and I reckon it would be pretty understandable for someone to feel pretty crap about that sort of stuff.
People seem to be suprised when they learn that I think I'm beautiful, or that I think I'm better looking that a lot of people haha
Why though? Why can't I be happy with myself? Why can't I think I'm awesome and pretty?
What, just cause I'm a little (a lot) messed up, sick all the time, not a size ten... that means I can't like myself?
Why not? I don't understand. Is there some law I don't know about stating that I have to have bugger all self worth?
I'll tell you something for nothing (one day I will find out a way to charge you all for my wisdom... just kidding)
There are over 7 billion people on this earth now. And you know what? A big chunk of them are old enough to put you down and ignore your true worth.
Why the fuck are you doing it to yourself? Everybody else is going to do it for you. You don't need to. You can take a break.
On top of that, why do people try to make other people do it to themselves?
For someone who loathes most people on this pointless orb, I have a hell of a lot of patience for people. Some days I have close to zero. Some days I am that person in the supermarket who loudly and tiredly says "oh, that's ok, just stand in the way of everybody."
Most days I try so damn hard to be patient and understanding. Most days I end up wondering why I bothered!
There are too many people who think it's ok to criticise others with false statements but it's not ok for others to criticise them with facts.
Now, sometimes I can be a bit of a bitch. I know that, I'm not stupid, and you know what? I usually make sure to let people know early on. Can't say I didn't warn you!
If I am genuinely being a prize princess knobhead, and someone tells me I am, fine. Well they're not wrong are they?
However, when someone goes out of their way to make people think I did something when I didn't, that I'm something I'm not, that's when I get really pissed off.
What is your problem that you have to try and drag somebody down with lies? Do you feel pleased with yourself afterwards? Did you achieve what you had in mind?
I've seen so much of this go on. It started more in highschool, and it seems like the highschool social environment sticks around from then on.
Calling a virgin girl "frigid" and making crude comments towards her to do with sexual things. Telling her that you're going to get your guy friends to come show her a good time, that they'll "fix" her. Wtf is wrong with you? Why do you need to say things like that?
I stood up for the girl and got called frigid too. I didn't care, but I saw she did, and she even apologised to me for them having a go at me. Like it was her fault. It wasn't.
Calling someone a bitch and saying they spread rumours, or that they said blah about whatever person -you do this solely to get others to give them crap. You do it with the intent of bringing them down.
Why? Is that really going to make anything better?
I bet just reading this you've thought of several situations that were similar.
So if there are all those people out there that are keen to do it, and you don't like it when they do it, why is it ok for you to do it to yourself?
My life, my body, and my mind have never gone by the book.
Trying to be somebody you're really not for someone is tiring isn't it? Constantly trying to please my relatives emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted me. While I had largely stopped trying because I knew things weren't going to change, there was still a part of me that hoped that maybe one day they would change. That they would praise me for what I've achieved. Recognise all the things I've done.
Until recently.
There's a difference between knowing and thinking/feeling things.
I knew they would never change. But I thought that maybe one day they would.
I had to stop listening to my thoughts, putting a good or bad label on them, and I had to start listening to what I know, and reeling the thoughts in as just thoughts.
It's not something that will just change overnight. And it's not something that will be ...completely different either (in my experience anyway). I used to self harm. I used to be suicidal. Even now sometimes I do think so many things would be easier if I just weren't here, if I just didn't have to deal with them.
But you know what? Thinking that isn't a bad thing. It's not a bad thought. It's not a good thought. It's just a thought.
Now what about your thoughts? Do you think you're fat? Ugly? Stupid? Weird? That nobody will love you? That you're not good enough?
You probably *know* you're not any of those things deep down.
I, myself, am fat, and I'm actually ok with it. I am healthy though -by that I mean that I eat healthy food and my weight does not affect my health negatively- and that's good enough for me!
When I was a kid my father used to say to (yell things at) me like "don't you want to change to make people like you?! Don't the other kids at school bully you?! Don't they call you fat?!"
In fact, no, they didn't. I can only recall one time I was properly bullied when I was about eleven. Bullied at school that is. It was quite common for me to be bullied within my "family".
My father was the negative voice in my life. The voice trying to bring me down. Once I got him out of my life, I felt so much better.
He and his voice and attitude were very real. Your negative voice is real too -but in a different way.
Just because it's inside you instead of outside doesn't mean you can't get rid of it. Your negative voice came from somewhere. From something or someone. From who? From what? From where? And why?
Once you figure out those things it'll be much easier to deal with. You will have to focus more on what you know about it. That person -what did they ever do for you anyway really? Is it really good to keep this ideal?
And don't just say "I don't know". You're selling yourself short again. Really think about it. You may not realise at first. It may take some time to get to the bottom of it. But as long as you keep digging, you can find the answer, and over time you can subdue that negative voice living rent free in your head.
I think I'm awesome, and if you don't, that is not my problem. You're missing out on all the awesome that is me! Yeah, sometimes you have to put up with a bit of what the hell, but I reckon it's worth it!
You are beautiful, you are smart, you are "good enough", and there are people out there who love you!
Don't let anybody or yourself tell you otherwise!
~^_^~
We all go through it, and most of us will hide it from the people around us. Most of us will try to be certain people for other people instead of being ourselves because we feel we are worth more to these people how they want us to be, than if we were ourselves.
Now, for a long time I had a lot of trouble understanding why people were like this. Why they undervalued themselves so much that they were willing to put away who they were and be what someone else wanted them to be.
This was probably the reason I didn't feel particularly pressured by my peers in school, and why I still don't.
In highschool I thought there were girls that didn't like me for a certain reason, but I didn't care, it was just how it was. I later on found out something like they did like me but I was a bit "weird" and quiet and they didn't know how to approach me. I was suprised whenever a peer praised me in school, I didn't understand why they cared about me, and it wasn't important that they did. I was confused by it.
Though, it's a little more complicated than just that because things like doing well in school.. well it was something I had to do. It was expected of me. It wasn't an accomplishment. It was just like bathing or eating. It was part of my life. Bad things would happen if I achieved, worse things would happen if I didn't. Getting high marks didn't earn me praise from my family. One memory that will probably be etched forever was when I got the highest mark you can get on two different tests in one day in one class. I asked my teacher if I could take them home to show my parents, I thought this time I had two so close together, and my work was so good, even the teacher was really impressed, this time they will be happy. This time they will tell me they are proud of me. That I did a good job. Instead I was yelled at. Asked if I could get them like that, why couldn't I get them more often? I was brought up to believe that achieving in life was my responsibility. So I did not understand why this girl was telling me what I wrote was really good and she loved it, and that I should be a writer.
But once I realised that what I was trying to do with my relatives was what most people try to do with the people around them, I started to understand a little bit more.... but not fully.
I've had to train myself to accept compliments, and I am still a little awkward with it.
Everybody can do it, but you've got to stop superficially accepting them, and start to truly accept them.
I think the only time I've truly felt pressured to "fit in" was when I was about 16 I think and going to the school formal with my then boyfriend. I had seen my friends go to school dances, I had never really been interested in them before. But I had seen all the pretty dresses. I did a friend's makeup ..and hair? for a formal earlier that year I think it was.. while I had done her up for free, she had got a nice dress that was near $300!
I had never had a really pretty dress. Since my great grandfather died I hadn't had anybody that had wanted to buy me a really pretty dress.
Obviously I couldn't afford that much, and I wasn't really comfortable spending a lot of money on an over the top dress that I would probably only wear once! I ended up getting a dress from Pagani that was $45 -down from almost $200! And I did look really pretty in it. I looked like a princess. And I loved it. I didn't care that there were all these "popular girls" in garments that barely came to their knees and looked thin enough to be nightwear, I didn't care that some girls looked at me with that snobbish glance as I walked past. Calling me "your highness" sarcastically. Damn right, I was royalty that night!
There are many times that I wish I could just be "normal" -by that I mean that I wish my body and mind would do what they're apparently supposed to instead of taking the rule book and tearing it up. I often think this out of sheer exhaustion from having to deal with everything all the time. Those close to me have come to realise I have an extraordinary amount of weird or unfortunate crap going on at any given time. I don't know what kind of person I would be though if I were "normal" and if my life had been somewhat "normal" or "low key". I wonder if I would be somebody I would like? I wonder if I would care? haha
People seem to be suprised when they hear what I think of myself. They seem to be suprised that I'm so positive about myself -usually because they know a lot of what's gone on in my life, and I reckon it would be pretty understandable for someone to feel pretty crap about that sort of stuff.
People seem to be suprised when they learn that I think I'm beautiful, or that I think I'm better looking that a lot of people haha
Why though? Why can't I be happy with myself? Why can't I think I'm awesome and pretty?
What, just cause I'm a little (a lot) messed up, sick all the time, not a size ten... that means I can't like myself?
Why not? I don't understand. Is there some law I don't know about stating that I have to have bugger all self worth?
I'll tell you something for nothing (one day I will find out a way to charge you all for my wisdom... just kidding)
There are over 7 billion people on this earth now. And you know what? A big chunk of them are old enough to put you down and ignore your true worth.
Why the fuck are you doing it to yourself? Everybody else is going to do it for you. You don't need to. You can take a break.
On top of that, why do people try to make other people do it to themselves?
For someone who loathes most people on this pointless orb, I have a hell of a lot of patience for people. Some days I have close to zero. Some days I am that person in the supermarket who loudly and tiredly says "oh, that's ok, just stand in the way of everybody."
Most days I try so damn hard to be patient and understanding. Most days I end up wondering why I bothered!
There are too many people who think it's ok to criticise others with false statements but it's not ok for others to criticise them with facts.
Now, sometimes I can be a bit of a bitch. I know that, I'm not stupid, and you know what? I usually make sure to let people know early on. Can't say I didn't warn you!
If I am genuinely being a prize princess knobhead, and someone tells me I am, fine. Well they're not wrong are they?
However, when someone goes out of their way to make people think I did something when I didn't, that I'm something I'm not, that's when I get really pissed off.
What is your problem that you have to try and drag somebody down with lies? Do you feel pleased with yourself afterwards? Did you achieve what you had in mind?
I've seen so much of this go on. It started more in highschool, and it seems like the highschool social environment sticks around from then on.
Calling a virgin girl "frigid" and making crude comments towards her to do with sexual things. Telling her that you're going to get your guy friends to come show her a good time, that they'll "fix" her. Wtf is wrong with you? Why do you need to say things like that?
I stood up for the girl and got called frigid too. I didn't care, but I saw she did, and she even apologised to me for them having a go at me. Like it was her fault. It wasn't.
Calling someone a bitch and saying they spread rumours, or that they said blah about whatever person -you do this solely to get others to give them crap. You do it with the intent of bringing them down.
Why? Is that really going to make anything better?
I bet just reading this you've thought of several situations that were similar.
So if there are all those people out there that are keen to do it, and you don't like it when they do it, why is it ok for you to do it to yourself?
My life, my body, and my mind have never gone by the book.
Trying to be somebody you're really not for someone is tiring isn't it? Constantly trying to please my relatives emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted me. While I had largely stopped trying because I knew things weren't going to change, there was still a part of me that hoped that maybe one day they would change. That they would praise me for what I've achieved. Recognise all the things I've done.
Until recently.
There's a difference between knowing and thinking/feeling things.
I knew they would never change. But I thought that maybe one day they would.
I had to stop listening to my thoughts, putting a good or bad label on them, and I had to start listening to what I know, and reeling the thoughts in as just thoughts.
It's not something that will just change overnight. And it's not something that will be ...completely different either (in my experience anyway). I used to self harm. I used to be suicidal. Even now sometimes I do think so many things would be easier if I just weren't here, if I just didn't have to deal with them.
But you know what? Thinking that isn't a bad thing. It's not a bad thought. It's not a good thought. It's just a thought.
Now what about your thoughts? Do you think you're fat? Ugly? Stupid? Weird? That nobody will love you? That you're not good enough?
You probably *know* you're not any of those things deep down.
I, myself, am fat, and I'm actually ok with it. I am healthy though -by that I mean that I eat healthy food and my weight does not affect my health negatively- and that's good enough for me!
When I was a kid my father used to say to (yell things at) me like "don't you want to change to make people like you?! Don't the other kids at school bully you?! Don't they call you fat?!"
In fact, no, they didn't. I can only recall one time I was properly bullied when I was about eleven. Bullied at school that is. It was quite common for me to be bullied within my "family".
My father was the negative voice in my life. The voice trying to bring me down. Once I got him out of my life, I felt so much better.
He and his voice and attitude were very real. Your negative voice is real too -but in a different way.
Just because it's inside you instead of outside doesn't mean you can't get rid of it. Your negative voice came from somewhere. From something or someone. From who? From what? From where? And why?
Once you figure out those things it'll be much easier to deal with. You will have to focus more on what you know about it. That person -what did they ever do for you anyway really? Is it really good to keep this ideal?
And don't just say "I don't know". You're selling yourself short again. Really think about it. You may not realise at first. It may take some time to get to the bottom of it. But as long as you keep digging, you can find the answer, and over time you can subdue that negative voice living rent free in your head.
I think I'm awesome, and if you don't, that is not my problem. You're missing out on all the awesome that is me! Yeah, sometimes you have to put up with a bit of what the hell, but I reckon it's worth it!
You are beautiful, you are smart, you are "good enough", and there are people out there who love you!
Don't let anybody or yourself tell you otherwise!
~^_^~
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Product Reviews! Skin Stuff + Lip Balm!
I have pretty sensitive skin. My skin is like that girl that cries whenever you say "Hi, did you get up to anything exciting this past weekend?" because she thinks you're saying she doesn't have a life.
She doesn't, but that's not the point.
Even using the products labelled "sensitive" or "for sensitive skin" seem to piss my skin off, and it's really annoying.
If I have water on my skin too often it throws a fit. The wrong body wash. The wrong moisturiser. The wrong laundry detergent. Don't even get me started on outside.
My skin is a real pain. One tiny wrong move and I have any combination of oily, dry, flaky, hot, red, itchy, breakouts. In some ways it's really hard to keep my skin in a good place, but generally it's pretty easy.... until something screws it up and I have to rebalance it again!
I'm not the type of girl that does 3 step cleansing. I don't wash my face everyday with any kind of soap. Part of it is laziness, but part of it is that everything I've tried seems to make things worse. So I just dab some water on my face whenever I've finished washing my hands, and every couple of days I use a cleansing wipe and/or an organic scrub (I don't really care about organic, but it was the only thing in the shop that was ALS/SLS free).
Which brings me to my first product!
Beauty Formulas Gentle Soft Apricot Cleansing Facial Wipes
I found these in a shop called Postie Plus, though I'm not sure where else they could be. I usually use Dove wipes, but I was looking for something a bit more gentle than the Dove ones.
They are $6 for a pack of 30 which I thought wasn't too bad.
They don't have a strong scent which is good for me as products that have too much fragrance can cause irritation. These wipes leave my skin feeling cool and refreshed and clean.
They had other variations like cool cucumber and such, but I liked the idea of apricot more. They have some apricot kernel and flower extracts which I think is nice.
Garnier Body Intensive 7 Days Rich Repairing Cream with L-Bifidus*
*Lysate of Bifidus
We get told that if we can't pronounce an ingredient on the list, we probably shouldn't buy the product. That's not much help for an English nut like me, but I'll honestly say I don't know what half of the things listed on this product are.
About a week ago I went swimming. I don't usually go swimming, I don't actually like being in a body of water, I like showers. Even if I had a bath I wouldn't use it. I went to the pool for water therapy.
The problem is, I'm allergic to chlorine. I applied some recommended cream as advised and hoped for the best.
Looking back on it now, it was a bit silly. I hadn't been in a chlorine pool in many years, and being away from it so long wouldn't help my skin when I went back in it! But ah well, hindsight huh.
So anyway I have been battling with my skin for a week now, trying to get it under control. I had massive welts and my skin felt like it was on fire. It looked like I was sunburnt and it felt like it too! Hot itchy painful. It was terrible, and I am still having problems with it.
I decided to look for a moisturiser in the effort to repair the awful damage I'd done, but I'm not loaded so I wanted something cheap.
This Garnier cream appeared to fit closest to what I was after without costing a hand, so I went with it.
It cost about $7 for a 300ml pot. You don't need much, and the soft skin feeling lasts for a long time which is nice.
The only thing I don't like about it is the same thing I don't like about most Garnier products. Their strong grapeseed oil smell. It is strong in a lot of their products, and this one is no exception. It would be nice to have a fruity scent like mango or something with this product, though I did like that it didn't smell like most products with shea butter in it do. From what I can garner from the ingredients it has shea butter, olive fruit oil, and honey amoung other things.
Yes To Carrots Lip Butter -Mint with Vitamin E
I have yet to try much of the "Yes To" range, but I am already in love with it. Unfortunately their products are usually expensive (though I'm sure they'd be worth it) so I cannot indulge in them as I'd like to!
This lip balm was on special, so I went for it. I love mint lip balm, but in the past have only been able to find a decent one in a pot -which I don't like so much.
Yes To Carrots lip butter boasts that it's a "99% natural product" and has certified organic ingredients.
It is petroleum, SLS, and paraben free and manufactured in America.
It lists coconut oil, olive fruit oil, beeswax, sunflower seed oil, peppermint oil, shea butter, vitamin E, orange peel extract, melon seed extract, pumpkin seed extract, and carrot root extract.
I really love this lip balm. I probably don't hydrate myself enough and I often have dry lips. I usually stick to a lip smackers balm that works, but sometimes they just don't as much.
The peppermint in this really comes through and gives that cool tingly feeling that comes with a good mint product. Only a little bit is needed, and it feels very nice, almost like the balm is just melting onto your lips!
With one application my lips are still feeling nice and soft 24hrs later, so I would definitely recommend this if dry lips is a problem for you.
The other flavours I saw were melon and berry. Definitely worth it!
~^_^~
She doesn't, but that's not the point.
Even using the products labelled "sensitive" or "for sensitive skin" seem to piss my skin off, and it's really annoying.
If I have water on my skin too often it throws a fit. The wrong body wash. The wrong moisturiser. The wrong laundry detergent. Don't even get me started on outside.
My skin is a real pain. One tiny wrong move and I have any combination of oily, dry, flaky, hot, red, itchy, breakouts. In some ways it's really hard to keep my skin in a good place, but generally it's pretty easy.... until something screws it up and I have to rebalance it again!
I'm not the type of girl that does 3 step cleansing. I don't wash my face everyday with any kind of soap. Part of it is laziness, but part of it is that everything I've tried seems to make things worse. So I just dab some water on my face whenever I've finished washing my hands, and every couple of days I use a cleansing wipe and/or an organic scrub (I don't really care about organic, but it was the only thing in the shop that was ALS/SLS free).
Which brings me to my first product!
Beauty Formulas Gentle Soft Apricot Cleansing Facial Wipes
I found these in a shop called Postie Plus, though I'm not sure where else they could be. I usually use Dove wipes, but I was looking for something a bit more gentle than the Dove ones.
They are $6 for a pack of 30 which I thought wasn't too bad.
They don't have a strong scent which is good for me as products that have too much fragrance can cause irritation. These wipes leave my skin feeling cool and refreshed and clean.
They had other variations like cool cucumber and such, but I liked the idea of apricot more. They have some apricot kernel and flower extracts which I think is nice.
Garnier Body Intensive 7 Days Rich Repairing Cream with L-Bifidus*
*Lysate of Bifidus
We get told that if we can't pronounce an ingredient on the list, we probably shouldn't buy the product. That's not much help for an English nut like me, but I'll honestly say I don't know what half of the things listed on this product are.
About a week ago I went swimming. I don't usually go swimming, I don't actually like being in a body of water, I like showers. Even if I had a bath I wouldn't use it. I went to the pool for water therapy.
The problem is, I'm allergic to chlorine. I applied some recommended cream as advised and hoped for the best.
Looking back on it now, it was a bit silly. I hadn't been in a chlorine pool in many years, and being away from it so long wouldn't help my skin when I went back in it! But ah well, hindsight huh.
So anyway I have been battling with my skin for a week now, trying to get it under control. I had massive welts and my skin felt like it was on fire. It looked like I was sunburnt and it felt like it too! Hot itchy painful. It was terrible, and I am still having problems with it.
I decided to look for a moisturiser in the effort to repair the awful damage I'd done, but I'm not loaded so I wanted something cheap.
This Garnier cream appeared to fit closest to what I was after without costing a hand, so I went with it.
It cost about $7 for a 300ml pot. You don't need much, and the soft skin feeling lasts for a long time which is nice.
The only thing I don't like about it is the same thing I don't like about most Garnier products. Their strong grapeseed oil smell. It is strong in a lot of their products, and this one is no exception. It would be nice to have a fruity scent like mango or something with this product, though I did like that it didn't smell like most products with shea butter in it do. From what I can garner from the ingredients it has shea butter, olive fruit oil, and honey amoung other things.
Yes To Carrots Lip Butter -Mint with Vitamin E
I have yet to try much of the "Yes To" range, but I am already in love with it. Unfortunately their products are usually expensive (though I'm sure they'd be worth it) so I cannot indulge in them as I'd like to!
This lip balm was on special, so I went for it. I love mint lip balm, but in the past have only been able to find a decent one in a pot -which I don't like so much.
Yes To Carrots lip butter boasts that it's a "99% natural product" and has certified organic ingredients.
It is petroleum, SLS, and paraben free and manufactured in America.
It lists coconut oil, olive fruit oil, beeswax, sunflower seed oil, peppermint oil, shea butter, vitamin E, orange peel extract, melon seed extract, pumpkin seed extract, and carrot root extract.
I really love this lip balm. I probably don't hydrate myself enough and I often have dry lips. I usually stick to a lip smackers balm that works, but sometimes they just don't as much.
The peppermint in this really comes through and gives that cool tingly feeling that comes with a good mint product. Only a little bit is needed, and it feels very nice, almost like the balm is just melting onto your lips!
With one application my lips are still feeling nice and soft 24hrs later, so I would definitely recommend this if dry lips is a problem for you.
The other flavours I saw were melon and berry. Definitely worth it!
~^_^~
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Facing Fibromyalgia -is this my answer?
This one's a long one, so make yourself comfortable lol
Most people that know me know that I'm sick a lot of the time.
Well, I know they see me bitch about it a lot, but whether or not they realise just how sick I am how much of the time.. well the jury is still out on that one.
I have been sick my whole life. Pretty much since I was born. The doctors don't know why, I just wasn't made right I guess lol
I always knew I had been unwell since I was very little, but it wasn't until I read the plunket diary that my mother kept when I was born that I realised that I've never been "normal" -does that mean being sick is my normal? I sure hope not.
I was difficult right from the beginning. Upside down. And my mother has never let me forget it! C section right before her birthday, happy birthday!
I had trouble with food and settling -Well of course I did, I had just been hoisted out of my comfy room that I'd spent nine months in.. but things got worse instead of better.
A great deal of my childhood memories are filled with doctor and hospital visits. New medication. More medication.
I think back on it now and wonder if all that stuff played a part in the condition my body is in now.
But.. we'll never know.
I think back on it now and wonder if all that stuff played a part in the condition my body is in now.
But.. we'll never know.
I remember routinely having medicine forced down my throat. You feel bad for forcing panadol down your kid's throat every now and then? Try horrible medicine three times a day.
I started to distrust my parents. What kind of good parent would do this to their child? This wasn't happening to my friends.. What had I done wrong? Why did they keep doing this to me? They knew I hated it, and they knew it was horrible.
Things aren't that simple though. I know that now.
To this day I cannot consume liquid medicine. I retch if I even smell cough syrup (try explaining that one to the lady at the pharmacy, it's certainly an interesting experience when you've got the flu and just want to feel like you're not being run over by a truck).
To this day I am terrified of Indian men. When I was younger, at the hospitals I went to, most of the staff handling my case and procedures were Indian men. In my eyes all they did was make things worse.
After all I went through, none of them were right, and none of the problems were ever solved.
In my eyes I was put through torture. For nothing. How could they do that to a child?
After all I went through, none of them were right, and none of the problems were ever solved.
In my eyes I was put through torture. For nothing. How could they do that to a child?
I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone about what was done to me in those hospitals. Even those dearest to me.
I don't like to think about it even now. I hope that one day I might forget completely.
I don't like to think about it even now. I hope that one day I might forget completely.
Specialist after specialist. Hospital after hospital. Up and down half the country. To try and find an answer.
Year after year things just got worse. Nothing was getting better. I wasn't growing properly.
I also spent a lot of time either on crutches or in a sling. Always fracturing or breaking something. "You can write with your left hand" -that worked out well (not).
Year after year things just got worse. Nothing was getting better. I wasn't growing properly.
I also spent a lot of time either on crutches or in a sling. Always fracturing or breaking something. "You can write with your left hand" -that worked out well (not).
There was one fall where they couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain. So many xrays. A cast. Bindings. Three months on crutches at age 8 or 9. Because I was on crutches so long in order to try and sort out my mystery foot/ankle problem, I wore a hole in the heel bone of my other foot.
I didn't even know that could happen.
Several months later, another foot specialist, and the conclusion was I'd had some sort of fracture that for some reason didn't come up on the xrays from the hospital, or maybe it was the docs didn't see it, I don't remember which. Events since meant that my foot had restructured, and it was too late for corrective surgery because the muscle had realigned.
Goodbye athletics.
I didn't even know that could happen.
Several months later, another foot specialist, and the conclusion was I'd had some sort of fracture that for some reason didn't come up on the xrays from the hospital, or maybe it was the docs didn't see it, I don't remember which. Events since meant that my foot had restructured, and it was too late for corrective surgery because the muscle had realigned.
Goodbye athletics.
A theory since is that some of my problems today may be caused from that change, because the structure of my body changed with it.
Who knows. There's so many theories and not so many answers.
Who knows. There's so many theories and not so many answers.
Shortly before I started highschool I started to get extremely unwell. I was always tired. Always sick. Always feeling horrible. I remember basically living off crisps and lift (fizzy) because they were the only things that didn't make me feel sick.
I wasn't absorbing anything anyway. I was losing weight fast.
I wasn't absorbing anything anyway. I was losing weight fast.
And it turns out after all the shit I'd been through already (not just with my own health), I was about to go through another journey of horror.
What were you doing at 12 or 13? At 13 I entered CanTeen. Things were just starting to return to something resembling "normal" in regards to my brother. I didn't even get enough time to deal with everything that had happened over the time that he was sick before I was hit with more crap.
For a couple of years my eating had gone downhill. I would feel sick if I ate before 8am. Then I would feel sick if I ate before 10am. Before 1pm. Before 4pm. Soon I was just eating dinner -if that.
Not that there was anybody around at the time to notice..
Not that there was anybody around at the time to notice..
Once everybody was under the same roof again, meal times were back on the table.
Yet I was sick, and underweight. And the doctors were worried.
I was referred to see a specialist at the hospital. But he fobbed me off to some lady -which, if I remember correctly, we didn't even find out about till we got there for the appointment.
I was referred to see a specialist at the hospital. But he fobbed me off to some lady -which, if I remember correctly, we didn't even find out about till we got there for the appointment.
I don't remember what she talked about up until the point she asked my mother to leave the room so she could talk to me. I remember my mother being hesitant. After all, I was only 12. I was still a child.
I don't remember whether the lady reasoned with her or if I was asked if it was ok, but the next thing I remember is being alone in that tiny room with her.
And suddenly her face changed.
And then she did something I will never ever forget. She asked me why I hated myself.
I don't remember whether the lady reasoned with her or if I was asked if it was ok, but the next thing I remember is being alone in that tiny room with her.
And suddenly her face changed.
And then she did something I will never ever forget. She asked me why I hated myself.
I was instantly terrified, what the hell had I gotten myself into? I didn't hate myself, why was this woman being so nasty?
"Do you do it because you're being bullied?"
"I..I don't get bullied.." I didn't. There was once, something like a year before, where I had jumped up on the bars and this kid in my class said "here comes the whale!" I kicked him in the crotch (my signature move to this day haha) and went and told the teacher. He must've gotten a hell of a telling off because he was crying when he came and apologised to me. If anything it was my father doing the bullying, and while I still couldn't understand why he treated me so badly, I was long past taking anything he yelled at me seriously.
"How much do you eat everyday? You can be honest, it's ok, I won't tell your parents anything you don't want them to know."
I mumbled something about not eating much because I felt sick all the time, and she immediately jumped on that "why do you limit what you eat?" I told her I don't, I like food, but would you eat when you feel like you're going to throw up?
She was quiet for a few minutes.
"I know what's going on."
I mumbled something about not eating much because I felt sick all the time, and she immediately jumped on that "why do you limit what you eat?" I told her I don't, I like food, but would you eat when you feel like you're going to throw up?
She was quiet for a few minutes.
"I know what's going on."
A phrase I would come to be wary of over the years.
"Do you stick your finger down your throat?"
I had a confused look on my face. "Why would I do that?!"
"Do you make yourself throw up? You do don't you, after you eat? You stick your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up."
I think I lost it at that point. I remember yelling "why would somebody do that?! I don't do that! I'm just sick!"
I had a confused look on my face. "Why would I do that?!"
"Do you make yourself throw up? You do don't you, after you eat? You stick your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up."
I think I lost it at that point. I remember yelling "why would somebody do that?! I don't do that! I'm just sick!"
At 12 I didn't know about bulemia or anorexia. After having medicine forced down my throat for years, the idea of forcing myself to throw up was terrifying. And I was here again. Nobody listening. Nobody helping. Everybody just making things worse.
Next thing I know my mother was back in the room. What are you doing to my daughter? What did you say to her? What the hell is going on.
Next thing I know my mother was back in the room. What are you doing to my daughter? What did you say to her? What the hell is going on.
I was referred somewhere else by the hospital. A child psychiatric unit.
Obviously they listened huh.
Obviously they listened huh.
When I went in to to see a guy I didn't really like the look of (he looked slimy like most of the other medical "professionals" I had seen over the course of my life) he asked me if I knew why I was here.
I said yes I did, and protested that I did not stick my finger down my throat, and that I liked food, I was just unwell.
He then smiled at me and said "that's not what I want to talk about."
I was confused. Why else would I be there then?
He then brought up a medical issue from when I was a small child and put out the theory that when I had this issue, I had a lot of attention (he made it sound so glamorous. Being poked and prodded, test after test, procedure after procedure, fight after fight, hospital after hospital -I didn't want that kind of attention), and that my brother had had a lot of attention lately hadn't he? And I was just trying to get attention. And I should stop doing that. I should stop being a spoiled brat.
I said yes I did, and protested that I did not stick my finger down my throat, and that I liked food, I was just unwell.
He then smiled at me and said "that's not what I want to talk about."
I was confused. Why else would I be there then?
He then brought up a medical issue from when I was a small child and put out the theory that when I had this issue, I had a lot of attention (he made it sound so glamorous. Being poked and prodded, test after test, procedure after procedure, fight after fight, hospital after hospital -I didn't want that kind of attention), and that my brother had had a lot of attention lately hadn't he? And I was just trying to get attention. And I should stop doing that. I should stop being a spoiled brat.
My mother stood up, grabbed my hand, and we walked out of there. I think she laid a complaint.
I was still losing weight. I wasn't absorbing what I needed to. I had started highschool and I was absent a lot.
Another specialist.
Another test.
Another test.
I remember waking up from the anaesthetic and wanting to punch everybody who came near me in the face because I was so tired and what the hell do you want -not that I had the energy to do so at the time lol. I need to heal, I'm in this stupid hospital for at least a week, in this stupid hospital bed, I'm tired. Why do I have to wake up? Piss off.
I think I hit a nurse in the face. And yet she still brought me an iceblock with a smile.
The nurses that were on the ward I was staying in were the nicest I had ever had. I drew them a picture, sometimes I wonder if it's still up there.
We were told that I had the markers for a wheat allergy. Think what you will about that, everything has progressed a lot in the last ten years, it was very different back then.
So we cut out wheat. Things improved a little, but they still weren't great. Ok. Coeliac diet then.
Things got better for a little while, but then went downhill again.
Things got better for a little while, but then went downhill again.
I remember a friend telling me about an exchange with the science teacher one day..
roll call
roll call
"Oh. Amber's absent. Again."
"She's really sick, she has lots of allergies"
the teacher laughed "Oh is she allergic to school as well?"
At the time I thought it was a little funny. I look back on it now and think what a rude bastard he was.
I told my mum about it, I think she talked to the principal. Next thing I hear, the science teacher is fired.
"She's really sick, she has lots of allergies"
the teacher laughed "Oh is she allergic to school as well?"
At the time I thought it was a little funny. I look back on it now and think what a rude bastard he was.
I told my mum about it, I think she talked to the principal. Next thing I hear, the science teacher is fired.
Don't make fun of your sick students, folks.
Cut out dairy.
Cut out soy.
Cut out soy.
Nothing really made a difference.
For several years I was on an extremely strict no gluten diet. I HATED it. And I suffered because of it.
We all know the fads with gluten free diets. Oh gluten is so bad for you blah blah blah.
You know what ladies and gents, we have evolved. We have been eating gluten for quite some time, and chances are you've been eating gluten your whole life.
When you take something like that out of your diet your body has to readjust itself. Sometimes it works ok, but sometimes it doesn't.
I found it harder to concentrate, harder to think, harder to remember things. Not ideal for highschool.
We all know the fads with gluten free diets. Oh gluten is so bad for you blah blah blah.
You know what ladies and gents, we have evolved. We have been eating gluten for quite some time, and chances are you've been eating gluten your whole life.
When you take something like that out of your diet your body has to readjust itself. Sometimes it works ok, but sometimes it doesn't.
I found it harder to concentrate, harder to think, harder to remember things. Not ideal for highschool.
I was told that if I stayed on the strict diet long enough, I would be able to eventually reintroduce a small amount of gluten into my diet.
I was amazed at how good pizza hut tasted. KFC. Hell, I had forgotten how good tomato and cheese sandwiches tasted. Normal bread. My goodness, normal bread.
Things were ok for a while, not great, but ok. I limited my wheat and dairy intake, if I have too much I get really sick and need several days to recover.
We had a series of massive earthquakes.
Every time there was a significant aftershock, I got a migraine.
Not really ideal for when you're supposed to be working.
Every time there was a significant aftershock, I got a migraine.
Not really ideal for when you're supposed to be working.
No shops were open over our side of town because of the damage. We had a friend take us over the good side of town to get groceries.
I think that's where the latest chapter starts.
I think that's where the latest chapter starts.
I was sitting in the back of the car (I don't really like sitting in the front), and all of a sudden I got a sharp pain in my side. I thought at the time it was just a stitch or something. I knew it didn't really make sense, but I didn't know what it was.
Over time it got worse and worse. It would come and go whenever. Just turn up. For hours it would feel like I had a knife in my ribs. I don't actually know what an actual knife in the ribs feels like, but I imagine it's not far off what I was feeling.
Every breath would hurt. Every movement would bring me to tears.
I'm not a wuss when it comes to pain, I sliced open my finger with secateurs a while back and while the blood started pouring out I calmly said "oh shit. I need you to get me a dry paper towel, and a wet paper towel. Now. Right now." I then proceeded to clean the wound and stem the flow of blood (to an extent), then dressed it. About a week later I think it was, I realised that I should've gone and had stitches or glue put in it, but hey, I haven't even got a scar now, so I must've done a decent job with it haha.
Over time it got worse and worse. It would come and go whenever. Just turn up. For hours it would feel like I had a knife in my ribs. I don't actually know what an actual knife in the ribs feels like, but I imagine it's not far off what I was feeling.
Every breath would hurt. Every movement would bring me to tears.
I'm not a wuss when it comes to pain, I sliced open my finger with secateurs a while back and while the blood started pouring out I calmly said "oh shit. I need you to get me a dry paper towel, and a wet paper towel. Now. Right now." I then proceeded to clean the wound and stem the flow of blood (to an extent), then dressed it. About a week later I think it was, I realised that I should've gone and had stitches or glue put in it, but hey, I haven't even got a scar now, so I must've done a decent job with it haha.
Soon the pain wasn't just on the right side of my ribs, it was also on the left. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes not.
The doctor couldn't figure out why. I was given pain killers.
Also not great for working. High. as. a. kite.
The doctor couldn't figure out why. I was given pain killers.
Also not great for working. High. as. a. kite.
I learned to "function" while on them though. Apparently I still did a good job, so there's that I guess.
Then came the stomach troubles.
I think the first time was when I had a couple of oranges. I was sick about an hour later.
It got worse. Just about anything I ate, I would be sick 20-40minutes later. And it was pretty bad.
I think the first time was when I had a couple of oranges. I was sick about an hour later.
It got worse. Just about anything I ate, I would be sick 20-40minutes later. And it was pretty bad.
In the end soup and bread, or sandwiches was my go to "safe" meal.
Which confused me considering everything else was making me sick, yet wheat was keeping me ok.
Which confused me considering everything else was making me sick, yet wheat was keeping me ok.
More tests. More tests, more tests, more tests. Secondary tests. Double check tests.
I was sick of seeing needles and not seeing any answers. I was sick of being sick all the time.
"The strange thing about it is that you aren't losing any weight. If you are being physically sick as much as you say you are, I would expect to see some weight loss. Since we're not seeing that, I'm not particularly worried because it would seem that you're absorbing something."
Doctors.
For some reason, he then wanted to focus on my weight, rather than the big issue, and sent me to talk to a nurse at the practice about a healthy eating plan.
Jeeze was that fun.
She got out this massive binder and I knew this was just going to go to awesome-time central.
Pictures of wholewheat grain toast, bran muffins, muesli.
Stuff I'm not supposed to eat.
Pictures of wholewheat grain toast, bran muffins, muesli.
Stuff I'm not supposed to eat.
And then there was the fact that I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. Boy, was that fantastic conversation.
"What do you have for breakfast?
"I don't"
"...ok... what do you have for lunch then?"
"....I don't."
"....well then what do you have for dinner?"
"Usually I have meat and veges. I like potatoes. So we'll have either steak or chicken and then we might have say potatoes, broccoli, mushrooms, courgettes or yams, maybe spinach.."
"I don't"
"...ok... what do you have for lunch then?"
"....I don't."
"....well then what do you have for dinner?"
"Usually I have meat and veges. I like potatoes. So we'll have either steak or chicken and then we might have say potatoes, broccoli, mushrooms, courgettes or yams, maybe spinach.."
"....ok then... well for breakfast, what if you ate a piece of toast with maybe a yoghurt?"
"I don't think I could eat that much."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I don't eat breakfast or lunch because eating early in the day makes me feel sick"
"Well look, if I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and had meat and veges for dinner, I'd be a lot smaller than.."
I raised my eyebrows at her
"I don't think I could eat that much."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I don't eat breakfast or lunch because eating early in the day makes me feel sick"
"Well look, if I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and had meat and veges for dinner, I'd be a lot smaller than.."
I raised my eyebrows at her
"...than that."
I said yeah, tell me about it, I don't know what the hell is going on either.
She went back to the meal plan.
"What about toast then? With an egg?"
"I can't have that."
"Well then what about muesli?"
"I can't have that."
"Well it's not bad you know, there are some nice ones out there and you can put yoghurt on it, that's ok"
"No, I can't have it."
"Well, look. You're not going to get anywhere if you just go "no, I'm not going to have this and I'm not having that". You could put fruit on it, I like to put fruit on mine."
"No, I can't have that stuff, it'll make me sick."
"What do you mean? Because you're not used to it? You'll get used to it."
"No... because I have a wheat allergy......"
"What? ...oh... nobody told me that... well what about.." she flips through the book.. "no.. that's got wheat.. that's got wheat... what about fish?"
"No, fish makes me sick."
"Oh.. well there's really nothing in here for someone like you. What on earth do you eat then?!"
"...fruit and meat and veges..."
"Sounds like you eat better stuff than I do! Are you sure you don't eat cakes and things?"
"No, I don't even like cakes and biscuits."
"Oh. Well then I don't know what the problem is."
Really.
"What about toast then? With an egg?"
"I can't have that."
"Well then what about muesli?"
"I can't have that."
"Well it's not bad you know, there are some nice ones out there and you can put yoghurt on it, that's ok"
"No, I can't have it."
"Well, look. You're not going to get anywhere if you just go "no, I'm not going to have this and I'm not having that". You could put fruit on it, I like to put fruit on mine."
"No, I can't have that stuff, it'll make me sick."
"What do you mean? Because you're not used to it? You'll get used to it."
"No... because I have a wheat allergy......"
"What? ...oh... nobody told me that... well what about.." she flips through the book.. "no.. that's got wheat.. that's got wheat... what about fish?"
"No, fish makes me sick."
"Oh.. well there's really nothing in here for someone like you. What on earth do you eat then?!"
"...fruit and meat and veges..."
"Sounds like you eat better stuff than I do! Are you sure you don't eat cakes and things?"
"No, I don't even like cakes and biscuits."
"Oh. Well then I don't know what the problem is."
Really.
Eventually, through the ADU of all things, I was referred to a dietician. FINALLY. My freaking doctor couldn't arrange this?! But my clinical psychologist could? WHAT.
We went through a number of things, and then I was told that she wanted me to try the FODMAP diet.
Oh my goodness, the FODMAP diet.
I think I lost my mind a little near the end of it. Honestly. My flatmate copped the worst of it. I was always bitching about not being able to eat this that or the other thing, or having a fit because everything contained something I couldn't have.
Oh my goodness, the FODMAP diet.
I think I lost my mind a little near the end of it. Honestly. My flatmate copped the worst of it. I was always bitching about not being able to eat this that or the other thing, or having a fit because everything contained something I couldn't have.
The biggest ones for me were probably no onion/capsicum etc and no broccoli or mushrooms, or certain fruit.
My heart goes out to people who are strictly on this diet long term. I felt your pain. And I'm so sorry.
Broccoli, mushrooms, and fruit were a big part of my diet. Broccoli and mushrooms especially.
I LOVE fruit and veges. I don't like cakes or biscuits, but I love potatoes, broccoli, mushrooms, courgettes, yams, lettuce, tomatoes, plums, peaches, nectarines, blueberries, raspberries etc etc. LOVE.
Not so much that I would go vegetarian, but still.
Not so much that I would go vegetarian, but still.
I was still really sick, and in fact I even got worse. Everything I ate was making me sick, I had very little time where I was not feeling like I was going to projectile vomit at any second.
Since I was on the diet I tried to make meals like normal but without broccoli, mushrooms, and my normal general herbs/spices.
I gradually started to notice what I was not feeling so bad after, and what was making me feel horrible.
I was taken off it because nothing was getting better, and they were really suprised that I was getting so much worse.
Because, apparently, on the FODMAP diet, you shouldn't get any worse. There might not be a change, you might get better, but you definitely shouldn't get worse. That doesn't happen.
...Does now!
I gradually started to notice what I was not feeling so bad after, and what was making me feel horrible.
I was taken off it because nothing was getting better, and they were really suprised that I was getting so much worse.
Because, apparently, on the FODMAP diet, you shouldn't get any worse. There might not be a change, you might get better, but you definitely shouldn't get worse. That doesn't happen.
...Does now!
It did do some good though because I identified the foods I needed to cut out (for whatever reason my body has decided to reject them). I no longer eat anything with capsicum, chili, or onion in. I don't eat broccoli, mushrooms, or steak now. And I've come right in that department thankfully.
But that wasn't the end
But that wasn't the end
haaaaaaaaaaaa.
I noticed that I was getting colds more often. I always had a cold. I would have maybe a week where I felt ok, then I had a cold again. Now I'm lucky if I get two days of feeling ok within a month.
And the pain was getting worse.
More headaches. Pain in my joints, pain in my bones. It was affecting my sleep. It was affecting my mood.
More headaches. Pain in my joints, pain in my bones. It was affecting my sleep. It was affecting my mood.
It was getting painful and tiring just to go to my disorder groups for 3 or 5hrs (including travel).
It just got worse and worse and worse. Things have gotten so bad that when I walk I worry that my bones in my leg are going to splinter and break. Because that's what it feels like is happening inside my leg. It is that painful. Just to walk ten minutes down the road. Sometimes it starts after only a few houses.
You know that wee knobbly bit on the side of your wrist? Have you ever hit that against the door frame? Or maybe hit your elbow on the door frame or something metal?
That deep excruciating pain is what I feel. In my hips. In my shoulders. In my neck. In my knees. In my feet. In my elbows. In my face. In my sternum. My collarbone.
It just got worse and worse and worse. Things have gotten so bad that when I walk I worry that my bones in my leg are going to splinter and break. Because that's what it feels like is happening inside my leg. It is that painful. Just to walk ten minutes down the road. Sometimes it starts after only a few houses.
You know that wee knobbly bit on the side of your wrist? Have you ever hit that against the door frame? Or maybe hit your elbow on the door frame or something metal?
That deep excruciating pain is what I feel. In my hips. In my shoulders. In my neck. In my knees. In my feet. In my elbows. In my face. In my sternum. My collarbone.
Not necessarily all at once, but not often individually either.
And there's still the rib pain.
And there's still the rib pain.
I make an effort to resist taking pain killers. Even when I'm gritting my teeth and screaming while tears stream down my face. Trying to find a position where I will get even a little respite from the pain.
Taking pain meds would be the easy way out. It wouldn't be fixing the problem.
There has to be an answer to why I am in this much pain. There has to be a reason for it. And there has to be something productive and worthwhile that I can do about it.
More tests. More tests, more tests, more tests. A ride home from the staff member who took my blood because she was worried about me.. I didn't do so great after that test.
More tests. More tests, more tests, more tests. A ride home from the staff member who took my blood because she was worried about me.. I didn't do so great after that test.
Eventually my (new) doctor starts seriously looking at something I've never heard of before.
Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia
She tells me she would like me to begin medication and physiotherapy.
What can I say? I don't want to take medication, but I can't live like this anymore.
I can't deal with this much pain anymore. People don't understand.
What can I say? I don't want to take medication, but I can't live like this anymore.
I can't deal with this much pain anymore. People don't understand.
People don't understand that after walking only ten minutes it feels like you've had somebody try to break your legs and rip your spine out. People don't understand that dealing with that much pain, especially hiding that you are dealing with that much pain, is exhausting. And lonely.
Now that 2012 is over and done with, and we're slowly getting further into the new year, I think more towards February.
February might be when my life changes. February might be when I get let down again.
If the therapy and the medication works, that's fantastic, and I am hoping so much that it will...
but then.. I don't want to hope too much..
What if it doesn't work? What if the meds mess me up like the last lot of long term meds I was put on?
What if it doesn't work? What if the meds mess me up like the last lot of long term meds I was put on?
What if I'm still experiencing all of this pain three months from now?
I can't have that. I am determined to be even a little better three months from now.
I can't have that. I am determined to be even a little better three months from now.
I can't even sit in a normal arm chair without experiencing a great deal of pain.
And I'm sick of it.
So it needs to be fixed.
Wouldn't it be nice if this year was the year that I started to get better?
I think so.
On a lighter note, after pouring my thoughts for today out to you all, I'm going to attempt to enjoy this far too hot for me 26.4C weather (high of 25C? Yeah, what?), watch some anime and delve into some yummy looking cherries I bought yesterday
I think so.
On a lighter note, after pouring my thoughts for today out to you all, I'm going to attempt to enjoy this far too hot for me 26.4C weather (high of 25C? Yeah, what?), watch some anime and delve into some yummy looking cherries I bought yesterday
~^_^~
Thursday, 3 January 2013
(O)h.. (C)ue (D)istress!
OCD. You've probably heard about it. You may or may not know what it is.. you may think you know what it is..
A lot of people think that OCD is just about germs, we get that from the movies and tv. They show that it's all about germs, and if you have ocd you use cloths on everything, you disinfect everything, you wash your clothes and yourself a million times a day, and all hell will break loose if you contaminate something of theirs.
Some of this is true to a point.. it is true that there are people with OCD that have the germ thing and are down the extreme end with plastic covered furniture and air purifying systems, but saying that that alone is OCD is super over simplifying, and basically just wrong.
O.C.D.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Think about obsessions you may have had over the years. Did you have an obsession with food? With weight? With a celebrity? With a movie? With a book? With an animal? With stickers?
We can have many different obsessions.
Mine are order/counting, perfection, over estimated threat, and over-inflated responsibility. ..I think I got all of them lol
I have undergone two rounds of group therapy -it's late, and I'm sick, so my mind is a bit foggy but I can say one of the things we did is CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's a kind of mind training, if you will.
I went through one lot for GAD - General Anxiety Disorder, and the latest was for OCD. GAD is another story for another time.
I'll break down those four obsessions for those who don't know about them.
It's personal for everybody, and what I may focus on for one thing, someone else with the same obsession may focus on something else.
For me...
Order/Counting - I don't really like things in odd numbers (bar 1). I like things to be in even numbers. It's always been that way. And I like things to be even.
For example.. candy. If you like candy, you've probably bought a bag of mixed candy from the shop right? Say.. jelly beans. Maybe you pick through to get all of the red ones first because they're your favourite.. Maybe you pick through to get all the black ones out so you don't accidentally pop one in your mouth when you're munching on your jellybeans (bleugh!).
Me? I tip the whole bag out. Sort each colour into it's own category, and then count how many there are of each colour. I then take out however many I need to make the number of each group an even number, and then I decide on a number that all the groups will equal. So in the end I might have say 10 jelly beans in each colour group. I then put them back in the bag group by group, and then keep tally as I eat them -usually eating my least favourite first so that I have my favourite for last.
(I assume this last habit is from when I was a child and had to eat all of my dinner and was instructed to eat the things I didn't like first ie cooked carrot, so that I could then enjoy what I liked the most ie mashed potatoes.)
Does it sound like a lot of work? It is. But I never thought anything of it. Sometimes I got annoyed that it took so long, but it was just something I had to do.
If it didn't do it, I'd be left with too many of one, or I'd be left with lots of the one I didn't like, and to me, that was (and still is a little) unacceptable.
Perfection - Now.. those who know me well probably know that I'm not really a tidy person.
And there are a few reasons for that. One is that I freak out when there is too much clear floor space. I'm not sure why this is yet, I can only guess that it is linked to some childhood trauma (as most things are). The main two though is that I'm a bit lazy (haha) and the significant other to me being lazy is that once I get started tidying, everything needs to be in a specific place.
You may think that if it's everywhere, then doesn't that annoy me too?
Suprisingly no. I haven't got a good answer for why either, and my psychologist cannot explain it.
Basically it's like I've got blinders on. You know how horses wear blinders? Supposedly it's so they only see in front of them and don't get distressed by the other things around them. So think of it like that.
I got in a ton of trouble when I was a teenager and my mum would expect me to put away the dishes cause.. well they were out on the bench! But I never noticed they were there. She'd say to me things like "thanks for putting the dishes away!" and I'd ask her what dishes she was talking about.. because I hadn't noticed them at all. Had I seen them? Of course I must have! But for some reason it just didn't get processed.
There's a twist to this though, because when I'm really really unwell, all of a sudden I notice. I notice the dishes on the bench, the clothes on the floor, the toothpaste in the sink. I notice it all. And then I have to clean it. I HAVE to. Right then. I can't leave it till later.
The dishes have to be stacked nicely (I don't do dishes, that's an explanation for another time), the clothes have to be off the floor, the sink has to be completely shiny and clean. And whatever else catches my eye has to be sorted out.
My main problem with perfection doesn't lie there though. I mentioned that once I get started, everything has to be in a specific place. I'm not remotely kidding. If, for some reason, something can not be where I decided it needs to go, I get very very angry. Instantly. Sometimes I even have "tantrums" if you like, where I get very upset and yell, and swear, and generally just flip tables (metaphorically speaking!)..
Books. Books have to be in either size order, or alphabetical order. It pains me that they can't be both. And I mean that. It physically and mentally pains me that I can't have them in "perfect" order.
Stickers. All grouped, all in nice even lines in the sticker book. I had to give up collecting stickers because it became too much of a problem.
And I guess everything else I do just.. has to be perfect. My cakes, I get very upset if something goes wrong. I prepare well, so I should be able to do it perfectly. My makeup. Dinner. My outfit. My hair. My spelling. My drawings. They all have to be perfect. I am a "gifted" person aren't I? I am extremely intelligent aren't I? I have the ability to perform to a higher standard than most people don't I?
These are the sort of expectations.. no.. orders I was given as a child. I was "gifted". I was highly intelligent. And therefore, I had to be perfect. In all aspects of my life. I didn't have a choice in it. That is just the way it was. Perfect grades, perfect manners, perfect goals etc etc. Not only did I not give an iota of a shit about any of that (I was a frequent daydreamer -mostly about fairies), I have been very unwell pretty much ever since I was born. I hated school, and I hated having to be perfect. Never allowed to waver. Never allowed to show weakness. Failure and weakness was unacceptable. And yet here I am, free from my family and their expectations finally, and still pushing this perfect persona to the forefront of my responsibilities. Makes sense huh? (not).
Over estimated threat - this is where the contamination thing comes in. It is also part of why I hate unexpected situations and change.
Contamination. There are loads of examples of this straight out of hollywood, and there are varying types and severities of it.
For me, I don't like.. no I hate touching things that other people have touched. This includes things like doors handles, bus poles, bus buttons, trolleys, dispensing machines, even money. In the supermarket I will delicately move aside items from the front to get to the less touched items in the middle. I also do this with things like yoghurt, milk, and frozen foods, because of the contamination factor of not being cooled properly.
And you can count out shaking my hand.
Now, you make think this is a bit ridiculous, it's a bit over the top. And even after all my therapy, I will still tell you I have pretty good reasons for not wanting to touch those things. That's not to say the therapy doesn't work, it has helped a lot, but this reasoning is extremely deeply imbedded in who I am.
People's hands, to me, are walking bacteria breeding grounds. Doctors and psychologists have said to me "but people do wash their hands". I say BULL.SHIT. ...SOME people wash their hands, at best, people wash their hands SOMETIMES. I KNOW that too many people on this planet touch their crotch or pick their nose or cough into their hand and then touch those things. I KNOW that too many people on this planet don't wash their hands after going to the loo.
FUCKING WASH YOUR HANDS WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU?!
Who the fuck forgot to teach you that you should be washing your hands after that? Are you just really lazy? Cause that's one of the worst kinds of lazy.
If I'm going out, the last thing I want is for someone's willy, pee, or bum germs to be on something I'm going to need to touch. What if someone picks their nose before they get on the bus (something I actually saw a couple of months ago), and then I touch the same bus pole as they did, and I need to get something out of my eye? Why the fuck should I get conjunctivitis just because some fucknut couldn't wait till they were in the privacy of their own home to go digging for green gold? Why should I get the flu just cause some knob went shopping and sneezed on their hand, then put their hand back on the trolley?
I'm already sick enough. I don't need more of that.
And then people try and tell me that I'm being unreasonable. You can tell I'm very passionate about this stuff lol.
Also if there is a change of plans, or something unexpected happens, I get upset because if things aren't planned properly, then of course things are going to go wrong! While I know this is not true, the thought wriggles it's way to the front of my mind and nags at me, drawing me further and further into panic mode.
So basically that is over estimated threat. I am (supposedly) over estimating the probable threat of something, and then freaking out about it.
Over-inflated responsibility - Now, this one might confuse people a little bit.. and I wouldn't blame you. As you probably know by now, I don't really like people. I don't really want to explain it because people have a hard time grasping it, and they usually feel personally attacked. It's a bit complicated. So we'll just keep it simple..
While I don't really like people, I feel like I'm responsible in most situations.
It's my responsibility to make sure that things go right.
It's my responsibility to make sure that someone isn't upset anymore.
It's my responsibility to clear up a misunderstanding.
It's my responsibility to make sure that someone is ok if they're say sick or drunk.
It's my responsibility to make sure that the bills get paid.
It's my responsibility to make sure the household is run well ie we have everything we need for food, cleaning etc.
It's my responsibility to organise things.
I could keep going, but hopefully you have the picture by now.
This isn't.... it's not like I'm like "hey don't worry guys, I'll do it! I WANT to do it!"... I actually don't like doing a lot of what I feel like I need to do.. It feels like a huge burden to me. It all weighs heavily on my mind. And when something goes wrong, I feel I am responsible. That's why I often get involved when most others wouldn't. I feel like if there's something I can do to help, I should do it. If I didn't, and something didn't go well, it would be my fault.
Almost six years ago, my little brother died. He was about 10 years old. He had battled leukaemia twice and won. Both times. Even though after the first time, they said he wouldn't get it again.
We fought again. This time was harder in some ways. I was already damaged from the first time. And while that may sound selfish, I'm sure if you knew the full story, you would realise that it's not.
After the second time, he began to get better again. He was allowed outside again, and even home for a couple of days. He went in for some tests. They were administered by an amateur nurse, and that's where everything started to go horribly, horribly wrong. Eventually he ended up in the country's leading children's hospital.
How the hell they got title, I'm still wondering. Because they fucked up big time.
I was a teenager. My birthday was coming up soon.. and yet.. I was in a surreal world. I was in the family home by myself for months. I went and enrolled at a new highschool by myself. "Where are your parents?" they asked... I told them they were up at the hospital. "Will they be able to come in and sign some forms?" they asked, "they really need to" they said. "No. They are not even in the city. I don't know when they are coming back."
I got a call. The call. I got told I needed to go up to the hospital. I needed to go there now. Pack a bag, you're going on the plane tonight.
One plane trip and a long taxi ride later, I was at our accommodation. I was told that my brother was in isolation because of everything. I was ok with that. After all isolation is the safest place for a sick child with no immune system.
The next day I was taken to see him. And I was very confused. "When did he get taken out of isolation?" I asked the doctor.... he replied that he was still in isolation. I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut even though I knew this wasn't isolation. I knew what isolation was. Isolation was a room completely separated from the ward. With isolation you went from the ward into an airlocked room. In that room you washed your hands and your arms up to your elbows. You put on rubber gloves, a gown, booties, a cap, and a face mask. The room you were in was then purified, and then the door to the room the patient was in would unlock and you could enter.
My brother was in a generic ward. With one sink and some soap near the entrace with a tiny sign saying to wash your hands. And then he was just in a normal private room. I remember standing at the end of my brother's bed, running my hand through his hair as I stared at his doctor in disbelief.
His doctor was standing in the doorway, with the door open, talking to another member of staff.
This was not isolation.
But I kept my mouth shut.
Unsuprisingly, but extremely unfortunately, my brother caught a number of illnesses while in that hospital, and the outlook was bleak, so he was taken off life support. I knew that if he didn't improve, they would turn it off. But they had told me they'd give him a week. Four days later. Half past midnight. While I was holding a glass of wine, sitting next to my (then) boyfriend, wondering, even though it was past midnight, would I get a text from any of my family saying happy birthday? The text I got at half past midnight was not the one I was expecting.
To this day, I feel that it is MY fault. I was only a teenager, but I knew that that wasn't isolation. I knew that he didn't have an immune system. I had learnt all this when I was still in primary school.
But I didn't say anything. I didn't intervene. What if I had said something? Made a fuss? Would they have even listened to a teenage girl? With any luck to simply calm me down they may have moved him to a proper isolation room. And then maybe, just maybe, I would've seen him go to highschool. I would've seen him go on a date. I would've kicked his ass because he tried cigarettes. I would've seen his wedding. I would be an aunty to his children. We'd fight about who was taking mum and dad when they were old, and we would've agreed that our younger brothers would have to deal with it.
But I can't do any of those things. Because he can't do any of those things. Because he's dead. Because I didn't say anything when I should've.
People can say "it's not your fault" all they want. While it's nice to hear, I don't know if I'll ever believe it. It's not my fault that he got more sick, it's theirs really, but in a way it's still my fault because I didn't say anything.
So. After all that depressing shit, that's why I have over inflated responsibility. It has such strong meaning that I can't just turn it off. I can't just not care.
The situation with my brother is also a big part of my contamination issue. If I don't avoid contamination, I'll die and put everyone through the pain of my death. If I don't avoid contamination, it'll be my fault that someone that I care about gets sick -and possibly dies.
OCD is usually taught or it has deep, strong, emotional ties. And that's what makes it such a hard habit to kick. We feel if we follow them, if we give in to our compulsions, that it'll make us safe. We feel that going about our days like "normal" people do makes us unsafe. What do you do when you feel unsafe? You do something to make yourself feel safe. Think of it like living in a dangerous neighbourhood. You go and buy locks for the windows and doors. You feel safer. Our compulsions are like those locks. We avoid mostly, but they can be organising, carrying around disinfectant, carrying around a ridiculous amount of items you think you might need...
I hope that this has helped some people to understand OCD. Put yourself in their shoes every now and then. Think of the terror you might feel if someone was chasing you, or breaking into your house or something. That's the terror they feel when they're confronted with the subjects of their obsessions. You may think it's funny to say things like "oh well what about if there was this or this?" You may find it amusing, but what you're actually doing is stressing that person out. Think about it, if someone was to ask you what would happen if a nightmare that terrified you actually started happening in real life, how would you feel?
Try to understand people with OCD. We're not sideshows. It is a real issue. While I have never felt that I am "missing out" on things in life because of my OCD, many people DO feel like they are. Like they're closed in or ostracised because of it.
Now, that doesn't mean you should enable them. Encourage them to seek help. When they need help, try to give it to them. Someday they may need you to help them challenge their obsessions. It won't be pretty. We call them "experiments". I just about became a sobbing mess in the supermarket one day when I decided right then and there I would do an "experiment" to challenge my beliefs. The only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to draw attention to myself -how ridiculous would it be for me to start crying in a supermarket? What if someone came over and asked what was wrong? How would they react when I told them that it was because I touched a cabinet handle with my pinky?
A lot of the time I still don't like to touch things. I like things to be in a certain order. Sometimes things are just not clean enough for my liking. But I am slowly getting better. I have eaten three blueberries off my own lounge floor, I have touched a bus pole, I opened that cabinet with my pinky, at a new years eve party I gave a few people high fives, and I didn't go into a cleaning frenzy after my mother came to stay and joked that her and my little brothers didn't wash their hands after going to the loo at night.
That last one I did freak out a lot about, but I resisted my compulsion. It still bothers me.
People with disorders and mental illness need support. We may not seem like we want it sometimes, and from my experience, we can be a bit hard to deal with. But we do appreciate the support because it is hard to come by.
If you know someone living with an anxiety disorder or a mental illness, don't be afraid to ask them how they're doing, or what's going on with them, or ask them about their disorder or illness. Don't be afraid to ask if there's anything they need. Once they come out of their shell a little, you never know, they could be completely different to how you thought they were.
~^_^~
A lot of people think that OCD is just about germs, we get that from the movies and tv. They show that it's all about germs, and if you have ocd you use cloths on everything, you disinfect everything, you wash your clothes and yourself a million times a day, and all hell will break loose if you contaminate something of theirs.
Some of this is true to a point.. it is true that there are people with OCD that have the germ thing and are down the extreme end with plastic covered furniture and air purifying systems, but saying that that alone is OCD is super over simplifying, and basically just wrong.
O.C.D.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Think about obsessions you may have had over the years. Did you have an obsession with food? With weight? With a celebrity? With a movie? With a book? With an animal? With stickers?
We can have many different obsessions.
Mine are order/counting, perfection, over estimated threat, and over-inflated responsibility. ..I think I got all of them lol
I have undergone two rounds of group therapy -it's late, and I'm sick, so my mind is a bit foggy but I can say one of the things we did is CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's a kind of mind training, if you will.
I went through one lot for GAD - General Anxiety Disorder, and the latest was for OCD. GAD is another story for another time.
I'll break down those four obsessions for those who don't know about them.
It's personal for everybody, and what I may focus on for one thing, someone else with the same obsession may focus on something else.
For me...
Order/Counting - I don't really like things in odd numbers (bar 1). I like things to be in even numbers. It's always been that way. And I like things to be even.
For example.. candy. If you like candy, you've probably bought a bag of mixed candy from the shop right? Say.. jelly beans. Maybe you pick through to get all of the red ones first because they're your favourite.. Maybe you pick through to get all the black ones out so you don't accidentally pop one in your mouth when you're munching on your jellybeans (bleugh!).
Me? I tip the whole bag out. Sort each colour into it's own category, and then count how many there are of each colour. I then take out however many I need to make the number of each group an even number, and then I decide on a number that all the groups will equal. So in the end I might have say 10 jelly beans in each colour group. I then put them back in the bag group by group, and then keep tally as I eat them -usually eating my least favourite first so that I have my favourite for last.
(I assume this last habit is from when I was a child and had to eat all of my dinner and was instructed to eat the things I didn't like first ie cooked carrot, so that I could then enjoy what I liked the most ie mashed potatoes.)
Does it sound like a lot of work? It is. But I never thought anything of it. Sometimes I got annoyed that it took so long, but it was just something I had to do.
If it didn't do it, I'd be left with too many of one, or I'd be left with lots of the one I didn't like, and to me, that was (and still is a little) unacceptable.
Perfection - Now.. those who know me well probably know that I'm not really a tidy person.
And there are a few reasons for that. One is that I freak out when there is too much clear floor space. I'm not sure why this is yet, I can only guess that it is linked to some childhood trauma (as most things are). The main two though is that I'm a bit lazy (haha) and the significant other to me being lazy is that once I get started tidying, everything needs to be in a specific place.
You may think that if it's everywhere, then doesn't that annoy me too?
Suprisingly no. I haven't got a good answer for why either, and my psychologist cannot explain it.
Basically it's like I've got blinders on. You know how horses wear blinders? Supposedly it's so they only see in front of them and don't get distressed by the other things around them. So think of it like that.
I got in a ton of trouble when I was a teenager and my mum would expect me to put away the dishes cause.. well they were out on the bench! But I never noticed they were there. She'd say to me things like "thanks for putting the dishes away!" and I'd ask her what dishes she was talking about.. because I hadn't noticed them at all. Had I seen them? Of course I must have! But for some reason it just didn't get processed.
There's a twist to this though, because when I'm really really unwell, all of a sudden I notice. I notice the dishes on the bench, the clothes on the floor, the toothpaste in the sink. I notice it all. And then I have to clean it. I HAVE to. Right then. I can't leave it till later.
The dishes have to be stacked nicely (I don't do dishes, that's an explanation for another time), the clothes have to be off the floor, the sink has to be completely shiny and clean. And whatever else catches my eye has to be sorted out.
My main problem with perfection doesn't lie there though. I mentioned that once I get started, everything has to be in a specific place. I'm not remotely kidding. If, for some reason, something can not be where I decided it needs to go, I get very very angry. Instantly. Sometimes I even have "tantrums" if you like, where I get very upset and yell, and swear, and generally just flip tables (metaphorically speaking!)..
Books. Books have to be in either size order, or alphabetical order. It pains me that they can't be both. And I mean that. It physically and mentally pains me that I can't have them in "perfect" order.
Stickers. All grouped, all in nice even lines in the sticker book. I had to give up collecting stickers because it became too much of a problem.
And I guess everything else I do just.. has to be perfect. My cakes, I get very upset if something goes wrong. I prepare well, so I should be able to do it perfectly. My makeup. Dinner. My outfit. My hair. My spelling. My drawings. They all have to be perfect. I am a "gifted" person aren't I? I am extremely intelligent aren't I? I have the ability to perform to a higher standard than most people don't I?
These are the sort of expectations.. no.. orders I was given as a child. I was "gifted". I was highly intelligent. And therefore, I had to be perfect. In all aspects of my life. I didn't have a choice in it. That is just the way it was. Perfect grades, perfect manners, perfect goals etc etc. Not only did I not give an iota of a shit about any of that (I was a frequent daydreamer -mostly about fairies), I have been very unwell pretty much ever since I was born. I hated school, and I hated having to be perfect. Never allowed to waver. Never allowed to show weakness. Failure and weakness was unacceptable. And yet here I am, free from my family and their expectations finally, and still pushing this perfect persona to the forefront of my responsibilities. Makes sense huh? (not).
Over estimated threat - this is where the contamination thing comes in. It is also part of why I hate unexpected situations and change.
Contamination. There are loads of examples of this straight out of hollywood, and there are varying types and severities of it.
For me, I don't like.. no I hate touching things that other people have touched. This includes things like doors handles, bus poles, bus buttons, trolleys, dispensing machines, even money. In the supermarket I will delicately move aside items from the front to get to the less touched items in the middle. I also do this with things like yoghurt, milk, and frozen foods, because of the contamination factor of not being cooled properly.
And you can count out shaking my hand.
Now, you make think this is a bit ridiculous, it's a bit over the top. And even after all my therapy, I will still tell you I have pretty good reasons for not wanting to touch those things. That's not to say the therapy doesn't work, it has helped a lot, but this reasoning is extremely deeply imbedded in who I am.
People's hands, to me, are walking bacteria breeding grounds. Doctors and psychologists have said to me "but people do wash their hands". I say BULL.SHIT. ...SOME people wash their hands, at best, people wash their hands SOMETIMES. I KNOW that too many people on this planet touch their crotch or pick their nose or cough into their hand and then touch those things. I KNOW that too many people on this planet don't wash their hands after going to the loo.
FUCKING WASH YOUR HANDS WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU?!
Who the fuck forgot to teach you that you should be washing your hands after that? Are you just really lazy? Cause that's one of the worst kinds of lazy.
If I'm going out, the last thing I want is for someone's willy, pee, or bum germs to be on something I'm going to need to touch. What if someone picks their nose before they get on the bus (something I actually saw a couple of months ago), and then I touch the same bus pole as they did, and I need to get something out of my eye? Why the fuck should I get conjunctivitis just because some fucknut couldn't wait till they were in the privacy of their own home to go digging for green gold? Why should I get the flu just cause some knob went shopping and sneezed on their hand, then put their hand back on the trolley?
I'm already sick enough. I don't need more of that.
And then people try and tell me that I'm being unreasonable. You can tell I'm very passionate about this stuff lol.
Also if there is a change of plans, or something unexpected happens, I get upset because if things aren't planned properly, then of course things are going to go wrong! While I know this is not true, the thought wriggles it's way to the front of my mind and nags at me, drawing me further and further into panic mode.
So basically that is over estimated threat. I am (supposedly) over estimating the probable threat of something, and then freaking out about it.
Over-inflated responsibility - Now, this one might confuse people a little bit.. and I wouldn't blame you. As you probably know by now, I don't really like people. I don't really want to explain it because people have a hard time grasping it, and they usually feel personally attacked. It's a bit complicated. So we'll just keep it simple..
While I don't really like people, I feel like I'm responsible in most situations.
It's my responsibility to make sure that things go right.
It's my responsibility to make sure that someone isn't upset anymore.
It's my responsibility to clear up a misunderstanding.
It's my responsibility to make sure that someone is ok if they're say sick or drunk.
It's my responsibility to make sure that the bills get paid.
It's my responsibility to make sure the household is run well ie we have everything we need for food, cleaning etc.
It's my responsibility to organise things.
I could keep going, but hopefully you have the picture by now.
This isn't.... it's not like I'm like "hey don't worry guys, I'll do it! I WANT to do it!"... I actually don't like doing a lot of what I feel like I need to do.. It feels like a huge burden to me. It all weighs heavily on my mind. And when something goes wrong, I feel I am responsible. That's why I often get involved when most others wouldn't. I feel like if there's something I can do to help, I should do it. If I didn't, and something didn't go well, it would be my fault.
Almost six years ago, my little brother died. He was about 10 years old. He had battled leukaemia twice and won. Both times. Even though after the first time, they said he wouldn't get it again.
We fought again. This time was harder in some ways. I was already damaged from the first time. And while that may sound selfish, I'm sure if you knew the full story, you would realise that it's not.
After the second time, he began to get better again. He was allowed outside again, and even home for a couple of days. He went in for some tests. They were administered by an amateur nurse, and that's where everything started to go horribly, horribly wrong. Eventually he ended up in the country's leading children's hospital.
How the hell they got title, I'm still wondering. Because they fucked up big time.
I was a teenager. My birthday was coming up soon.. and yet.. I was in a surreal world. I was in the family home by myself for months. I went and enrolled at a new highschool by myself. "Where are your parents?" they asked... I told them they were up at the hospital. "Will they be able to come in and sign some forms?" they asked, "they really need to" they said. "No. They are not even in the city. I don't know when they are coming back."
I got a call. The call. I got told I needed to go up to the hospital. I needed to go there now. Pack a bag, you're going on the plane tonight.
One plane trip and a long taxi ride later, I was at our accommodation. I was told that my brother was in isolation because of everything. I was ok with that. After all isolation is the safest place for a sick child with no immune system.
The next day I was taken to see him. And I was very confused. "When did he get taken out of isolation?" I asked the doctor.... he replied that he was still in isolation. I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut even though I knew this wasn't isolation. I knew what isolation was. Isolation was a room completely separated from the ward. With isolation you went from the ward into an airlocked room. In that room you washed your hands and your arms up to your elbows. You put on rubber gloves, a gown, booties, a cap, and a face mask. The room you were in was then purified, and then the door to the room the patient was in would unlock and you could enter.
My brother was in a generic ward. With one sink and some soap near the entrace with a tiny sign saying to wash your hands. And then he was just in a normal private room. I remember standing at the end of my brother's bed, running my hand through his hair as I stared at his doctor in disbelief.
His doctor was standing in the doorway, with the door open, talking to another member of staff.
This was not isolation.
But I kept my mouth shut.
Unsuprisingly, but extremely unfortunately, my brother caught a number of illnesses while in that hospital, and the outlook was bleak, so he was taken off life support. I knew that if he didn't improve, they would turn it off. But they had told me they'd give him a week. Four days later. Half past midnight. While I was holding a glass of wine, sitting next to my (then) boyfriend, wondering, even though it was past midnight, would I get a text from any of my family saying happy birthday? The text I got at half past midnight was not the one I was expecting.
To this day, I feel that it is MY fault. I was only a teenager, but I knew that that wasn't isolation. I knew that he didn't have an immune system. I had learnt all this when I was still in primary school.
But I didn't say anything. I didn't intervene. What if I had said something? Made a fuss? Would they have even listened to a teenage girl? With any luck to simply calm me down they may have moved him to a proper isolation room. And then maybe, just maybe, I would've seen him go to highschool. I would've seen him go on a date. I would've kicked his ass because he tried cigarettes. I would've seen his wedding. I would be an aunty to his children. We'd fight about who was taking mum and dad when they were old, and we would've agreed that our younger brothers would have to deal with it.
But I can't do any of those things. Because he can't do any of those things. Because he's dead. Because I didn't say anything when I should've.
People can say "it's not your fault" all they want. While it's nice to hear, I don't know if I'll ever believe it. It's not my fault that he got more sick, it's theirs really, but in a way it's still my fault because I didn't say anything.
So. After all that depressing shit, that's why I have over inflated responsibility. It has such strong meaning that I can't just turn it off. I can't just not care.
The situation with my brother is also a big part of my contamination issue. If I don't avoid contamination, I'll die and put everyone through the pain of my death. If I don't avoid contamination, it'll be my fault that someone that I care about gets sick -and possibly dies.
OCD is usually taught or it has deep, strong, emotional ties. And that's what makes it such a hard habit to kick. We feel if we follow them, if we give in to our compulsions, that it'll make us safe. We feel that going about our days like "normal" people do makes us unsafe. What do you do when you feel unsafe? You do something to make yourself feel safe. Think of it like living in a dangerous neighbourhood. You go and buy locks for the windows and doors. You feel safer. Our compulsions are like those locks. We avoid mostly, but they can be organising, carrying around disinfectant, carrying around a ridiculous amount of items you think you might need...
I hope that this has helped some people to understand OCD. Put yourself in their shoes every now and then. Think of the terror you might feel if someone was chasing you, or breaking into your house or something. That's the terror they feel when they're confronted with the subjects of their obsessions. You may think it's funny to say things like "oh well what about if there was this or this?" You may find it amusing, but what you're actually doing is stressing that person out. Think about it, if someone was to ask you what would happen if a nightmare that terrified you actually started happening in real life, how would you feel?
Try to understand people with OCD. We're not sideshows. It is a real issue. While I have never felt that I am "missing out" on things in life because of my OCD, many people DO feel like they are. Like they're closed in or ostracised because of it.
Now, that doesn't mean you should enable them. Encourage them to seek help. When they need help, try to give it to them. Someday they may need you to help them challenge their obsessions. It won't be pretty. We call them "experiments". I just about became a sobbing mess in the supermarket one day when I decided right then and there I would do an "experiment" to challenge my beliefs. The only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to draw attention to myself -how ridiculous would it be for me to start crying in a supermarket? What if someone came over and asked what was wrong? How would they react when I told them that it was because I touched a cabinet handle with my pinky?
A lot of the time I still don't like to touch things. I like things to be in a certain order. Sometimes things are just not clean enough for my liking. But I am slowly getting better. I have eaten three blueberries off my own lounge floor, I have touched a bus pole, I opened that cabinet with my pinky, at a new years eve party I gave a few people high fives, and I didn't go into a cleaning frenzy after my mother came to stay and joked that her and my little brothers didn't wash their hands after going to the loo at night.
That last one I did freak out a lot about, but I resisted my compulsion. It still bothers me.
People with disorders and mental illness need support. We may not seem like we want it sometimes, and from my experience, we can be a bit hard to deal with. But we do appreciate the support because it is hard to come by.
If you know someone living with an anxiety disorder or a mental illness, don't be afraid to ask them how they're doing, or what's going on with them, or ask them about their disorder or illness. Don't be afraid to ask if there's anything they need. Once they come out of their shell a little, you never know, they could be completely different to how you thought they were.
~^_^~
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